Less Than Two Weeks Before We Close to Submissions

Starting October 1st, Mad Scientist Journal will be closed to submissions for the remainder of the year. The zine will continue to operate as normal. Since the next few months are always a little crazy, and we’ve almost reached our limit of the number of stories we can accept, this seems like a good time to take at least one thing off of our plate. If you have something you’ve been meaning to send us, now is the time. Otherwise, you will need to wait three months before we re-open to submissions.

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That Man Behind the Curtain: August 2014

With the fulfillment of our Kickstarter coming to a head in August, things got a little spendy last month. Let’s look at some numbers.

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.

Hosting: ($17.06)
Stories: ($60.00)
Art: ($678.46)
Advertising: ($60.00)
Payment Processing Fees: ($15.68)
Printing: ($767.74)
Donations: $51.00
Ad Revenue: $0.80
Book Sales: $22.42
Total: ($1,524.72)
QTD: ($1,877.21)
YTD: ($1,308.61)
All Time: ($8,821.18)

As per usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. I also cover Paypal expenses when paying authors and artists.

This month was extra spendy because of costs for That Ain’t Right. We paid for the final cover art, internal layout, and printing 150 books. So, not a cheap month. September promises to be more of the same, as we ship all of the Kickstarter rewards.

Submissions

We received 15 stories in August, of which we accepted 10. This puts us at 66.67% for the month, 54.02% for all time.

Followers

Facebook: 845 (+3)
Twitter: 323 (+0)
Google+: 43 (+3)
Tumblr: 30 (+4)
Mailing List: 18 (+0)
Patreon: 6 (+0)

Traffic

Traffic dropped significantly in July. We had a total of 1,157 visits. Our traffic consisted of 778 users and 2,283 page views. Overall an improvement over earlier months. Our highest daily traffic was 97.

Our search engine terms have not been nearly as entertaining as they once were. This month’s term is “invention of fire and wheel”. Because we take things back to basics.

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A Few Simple Instructions Regarding the Proper Methods of Weather Control

A Public Letter by Professor Aldous Vogelsong, as provided by Antonio Urias
Art by Leigh Legler


Since its publication last spring, Agnes Blackmore’s A Few Simple Instructions Regarding the Proper Methods of Weather Control has caused a great deal of discussion, and no small amount of turmoil. I have been reluctant, thus far, to enter into the discussion, because the tone of the debate has been childish at times, and the content, ironically, somewhat outside my field of expertise. I looked upon the furor caused by Ms. Blackmore’s little book with tolerant amusement, and perhaps a smidgeon of disdain. Nonetheless, it cannot be denied that as a result, weather control has been very much in the public eye of late, and that it is incumbent on me, as the premier authority on Practical Meteoromancy in the country, to make some comment.

It appears that even the very existence of such a pamphlet as Ms. Blackmore’s was sufficient to cause an uproar among certain learned, and indeed unlearned, men. Men like Harvey A. Crackanthorpe, Timothy Pearsall, the Rev. Earnest Watkins, and legions of others have objected on principle to a woman controlling the weather. It is unladylike behavior, and moreover a menace to society. Many of Ms. Blackmore’s admirers have exhibited a similar lack of restraint. Epithets such as the “Bawling Brotherhood” and the “Scum-Woman,” amongst others far less polite, have been thrown about with reckless abandon, reducing entire swaths of the argument to puerile name-calling.

A Few Simple Instructions Regarding the Proper Methods of Weather Control

Men like Harvey A. Crackanthorpe, Timothy Pearsall, the Rev. Earnest Watkins, and legions of others have objected on principle to a woman controlling the weather. It is unladylike behavior, and moreover a menace to society. Many of Ms. Blackmore’s admirers have exhibited a similar lack of restraint. Epithets such as the “Bawling Brotherhood” and the “Scum-Woman,” amongst others far less polite, have been thrown about with reckless abandon, reducing entire swaths of the argument to puerile name-calling.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2014 collection.


Professor Aldous Vogelsong is the Chair of Practical Meteoromancy at St. Antinore’s College, Cambridge. He is the author of The Art of Meteoromancy, a nine-volume magical compendium, and is the editor of The Journal of Modern Magical Studies. A confirmed bachelor, Vogelsong has devoted his life to St. Antinore’s College and his chosen field of study. He lives alone in his apartments at St. Antinore.


Antonio Urias is a New Yorker born and bred. He was raised on a steady diet of grapes and books, often fantasy, and spent an inordinate amount of time telling stories, often involving cowboys. Not much has changed in the intervening years. He still loves grapes. He still loves fantasy. And he’s still telling stories, though these days there are less cowboys and more magic. He can sometimes be found at his blog at http://antoniourias.wordpress.com.


Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.

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Diaries of the Margliss Expedition

Diaries by Heloise Ezra, as found by Marcelina Vizcarra
Art by Luke Spooner


Friday

We have nearly cleared Room 24, noting nothing of significance thus far on our study of the hollows, though Dr. Margliss’s enthusiasm remains intact. One would never know we were nearly half a mile below the arctic permafrost.

Another surface worker was injured this morning while investigating one of the stelae behind the commissary. Its glass armor had been compromised, perhaps by last night’s storm. During attempts to repair the casing, the fifteen-meter tall stelae fractured and crushed the man’s right arm. Joseph says he’s lucky to have survived.

This brings the count of stelae-related casualties to six: the two techs who suffered nervous breakdowns while transcribing text (Joseph now claims that their mental states were disturbed before we arrived), the tech who lost his hand to the booby trap, the one decapitated by shattered case glass, and the missing tech.

I must admit I am relieved we left the surface before the storms. I’ve always been wary of the effects of magnetism at this latitude, though I did not relate my suspicions to Joseph. He joined Dr. Margliss before her failed expedition to the hollows last year. So, he’s acquainted with the entire crew.

 

Saturday

Several techs abandoned the site today. Dr. Margliss has declared the stelae off-limits and canceled preservation efforts pending a thorough investigation. She instructed us to reroute around the plinths, to a depth of eight hundred meters, in case the area between the markers has been contaminated–the nature of said contamination being so far undefined. Joseph increasingly blames the government for the stelae, which he claims are fakes put up to discourage exploration of the arctic hollows. Meanwhile, we have progressed through Room 24 and await the data dump, though we have found nothing out of the ordinary.

Diaries of the Margliss Expedition

After midnight, the auger broke through to the recess identified on the tomogram. Dr. Margliss likened the space to a tumor inside a person, fetus in fetu. She said sometimes a developing body absorbs its twin in a fetal state. Usually, the tumor is dormant and primitive. Usually, the developed body shows no outward sign of the inward anomaly.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2014 collection.


Heloise Ezra was a speleologist and artist based in Vietnam, studying the Son Doong cave. Born in Cold Iron, Kentucky, she spent her formative years below ground with her family in the Mammoth Cave Paleo-Clans Project, where she discovered the blindfish, Amblyopsis ezra. After graduating from Subterra Charter School at the age of fifteen, she earned degrees in anthropology and geophysical sciences from the University of Chicago. She joined Dr. Margliss’s second expedition to the arctic hollows.


Marcelina Vizcarra lives in the glacial aftermath of the Pleistocene Epoch in a house that would have been built by eight-foot-long beavers 10, 000 years ago, if the giant beavers had acquired a taste for bungalow construction. She has three children. Her work has recently appeared or is forthcoming in Word Riot, The Colored Lens, and Vine Leaves Literary Journal.


Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

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Summer 2014 Available!

Our latest quarterly is now available! In addition to some great new stories and fictional classifieds, this issue features our first horoscopes piece! What do the stars hold for your mad unconventional scientist? It’s available on Amazon, Smashwords, and iBookstore, and will be available in other ebook retailers soon.

MSJ Summer 2014

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A Call for Classified Ads

Hello mad scientists!

We are once again looking for fictional classified ads from the world of mad scientists to run in an upcoming quarterly. Submissions should be 100-500 words in length, and may have multiple classifieds totaling up to that word count. See our Submissions page for details!

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Hard to Swallow

An essay by Arthur L. Berkowitz, as provided by Nick Nafpliotis
Art by Luke Spooner


When most people hold a pill in their hand, it represents some manner of impending relief. Whether it’s prescription strength meds or a good old fashion over-the-counter pain reliever, swallowing that little pellet is supposed to do something that will make you generally feel better. Hell, even the bad stuff that you’re not supposed to take is all for the sake of acquiring some badly desired short term benefits for your brain and body.

But for me, this pill represents something that will wreak all types of havoc on my heart whether I take it or not. This is the old “red pill/blue pill” scenario, only both options are attached to varying degrees of nobility and suffering.

If I take this pill, like I did diligently a couple months ago, then I finally get to be a normal, functioning member of society. Sure, I might be the guy who causes folks on the subway to look over their shoulder more than once. But I can live with that if it also means I get to wake up in the morning, go to work, come home, and go to bed like everyone else. If that type of life comes with friends and the potential to actually talk with people other than my shrink, I’ll gladly take that, as well.

The real benefit to it all, however, would be the added storage space. As it stands right now, the cutting equipment alone is taking up the entire basement. Once you add in the bones and hanging frames for each one, I can barely move down there. Sixteen bodies doesn’t sound like a lot at first, but people come in all different shapes and sizes. There’s no standard way to set and arrange them all in the proper positions without utilizing a large amount of square footage, most of which is taken up with the arms and legs jutting out from the torso in whatever stance The Rattler tells me to put them.

I learned long ago not to argue when The Rattler tells me to do something. It’s best just to make the offering, clean off the flesh, bleach the bones, and put everything just the way He wants it. Otherwise, the screaming between my ears gets so loud that it feels like my eyes are going to pop. Procuring and preparing the offerings is fairly gruesome business, but I know that it needs to be done.

I also know, however, that I’ve been pretty damn lucky so far. This isn’t like the serial killer shows on TV where some suave psycho keeps up a normal life while hacking away at fleshy versions of his own personal demons. I know that if I keep this up for much longer, I’m going to get caught … which honestly didn’t matter that much until I met Liz.

Hard to Swallow

I’ve weighed the decision, so has The Rattler, and so have you. What will I do?


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2014 collection.


Arthur L. Berkowitz is a mail sorter with the United States Postal service. His favorite subject in school was biology, particularly as it pertained to the study of reptiles and their habitats. His favorite past times include marathon viewing session of the National Geographic Channel, wood working, and appeasing The Rattler any way that he can.


Nick Nafpliotis is a music teacher and writer from Charleston, South Carolina. During the day, he instructs students from the ages of 11-14 on how to play band instruments. At night, he writes about weird crime, bizarre history, pop culture, and humorous classroom experiences on his blog, RamblingBeachCat.com. He is also a television, novel, and comic book reviewer for AdventuresinPoorTaste.com.


Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

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Ask a Mad Scientist

We are once again looking for people to provide questions for our “Ask a Mad Scientist” column that appears in our quarterly. If your question is used in a column, you receive a free copy of that quarterly, and will be credited as the author of your question.

If you have questions you’d like to submit, please email them to madscientistjournal@gmail.com by September 12th.

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Mad Scientists in the Wild

We have a couple alumni with work out in the world for you to check out!

First, Sean Patrick Hazlett has a story in Fictionvale‘s Episode Three: A Different Outcome!

Second, Erik Scott de Bie has just four days left in his Kickstarter for Justice/Vengeance!

We encourage you to help these awesome authors out!

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When I Grow Up

An essay by an anonymous entity, as provided K. Kitts
Art by Leigh Legler


When I ask my friends what they want to be when they grow up, they say a hotshot fireman, a policeman, the head of an assassin’s guild. Tyra’s always pushing the envelope. But when I grow up, all I want to be is what I can never be. I want to be like my friends. I want to be a human child.

In my head, I hear a beep. I ignore it. I know my report is past due. I don’t need the reminder. My friends act out their chosen professions.

Pronouns are tricky: he, she, it. Tyra is the most aggressive and the strongest in the neighborhood group and exhibits all the traits associated with being male, yet she is a she. Sangit is the smallest physically and the most artistic, and he is considered a he. To make it more confusing, as human children, the only difference seems to be whether an individual pees standing up or sitting down. They become dimorphic after they mature sexually. So I don’t understand the insistence that children practice their assigned sex. If it is all hormones, then what’s to practice? Is it possible to forget how one pees?

According to my security officer, females are less visible in society, and that is why we appear female. Although with my short hair and dirty fingernails, I am hard pressed to say that I look much like a girl. But my security officer clearly does, and “Mom” must fend off single, male, fathers regularly at school functions. I think this theory of female invisibility is flawed. To me, I have found it important socially to have a pretty mother. I do not know why, but because of it, I am accorded things others are not.

“Oh your Mom is stunning! I won’t count you tardy this one time. Here’s a tissue, wipe your nose.”

I feel the poke of a speck of gravel under the strap of my sandal. I flick it out. I adore feet. They come with lots of toes that spread on contact with the ground and absorb the stress. Toes help me keep my balance so the arch can capture the energy like a battery and spring me forward. Walking on two legs makes me concentrate, be more in the moment. If I get intellectually lazy, I fall over.

When I Grow Up

But when I grow up, all I want to be is what I can never be. I want to be like my friends. I want to be a human child.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2014 collection.


Anonymous is an alien Counselor who has continued to keep her secret from her people. She lied in her threat analysis report in hopes of returning some day to Earth to fulfill her dream of growing up to be a human child.


Dr. K. Kitts is a retired geology professor who lives in the high desert of New Mexico. She served as a science team member on the NASA Genesis Mission and worked with both Apollo lunar samples and meteorites. She has dozens of non-fiction publications, but she no longer wishes to talk about “what is” but rather “what if.” She is currently writing both short and novel-length science fiction.


Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.

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