A speech by Zazz Burbank, as provided by Tara Campbell
Art by Errow Collins
Welcome to Chlorolyft®, and congratulations on starting the career of a lifetime! I’m Zazz Burbank, Director of Franchising, and I can’t tell you how inspiring it is to look out onto all of your smiling faces. I see most of you have been using the product already. Fabulous! But let me tell you, the green I’m looking at right now is nothing compared to the green you’ll be raking in after today. Seriously, folks, I’m thrilled to be with you for your launch into the transformational–and profitable–world of chlorophyll enhancement.
You all know how far we’ve come. For generations, people struggled to squeeze themselves into a tyrannically narrow definition of beauty. Thin and white: for too long, that was the only answer. Then, finally, thin and tan was acceptable. Then thin and brown–but not too brown, right? Sad, but true.
But now, thanks to Chlorolyft®, we have a whole new palette to work with. “Lean and green—and perfectly healthy.”® I see lots of you nodding out there. Yes, those are the words of Chlorolyft® inventor Nick Nickerson, the man whose vision has revolutionized the health, wellness, and beauty industries–and whose gift to the world is about to make you rich.
Before Nick, chlorophyll enhancement was available only to the elites–stars and moguls whose slim green bodies made everyone else green with envy. It was prohibitively expensive, the ultimate differentiator between rich and poor, much more telling than what someone wore, where they lived, where they dined–indeed, whether they had to dine at all.
But today is a new day. Forget the risky, expensive injections of the past. And how many good, hard-working people have time to waste on consultations and maintenance infusions? Those days are over. With this little bottle, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to democratize happiness. Your family and friends can finally have the silky jade sex appeal, the trim emerald physique they’ve always dreamed of. With Chlorolyft®, nobody, no matter how average their income, will ever be a slave to food again.
Of course, it’s not all sunshine and bonus checks, folks. There will be setbacks. As a Chlorolyft® representative, you’ll encounter clients who still insist on eating, and then point their stubby little fingers at you when they balloon from nutrient overload. Other customers will skimp on their Chloro-Feed® supplements and threaten to sue when they start to pucker. And then there are the clients who decline the recommended Nutri-Glow® grow lamp in their startup packages. Yes, it’s their right to sacrifice quality for savings, and yes, they’ll promise up and down to spend the required amount of time in the sun. And yes, it will be frustrating when they blame you for their jaundice.
But no, they will not be able to destroy your franchise with their inability to follow directions. We at Chlorolyft® have your well-formed, ivy-colored backs. Remember, folks: “Green in your skin and in your pockets.”® That doesn’t just apply to our customers; that means you, our partners in the lean, green revolution.
Now, I know we’re not the only ones out there offering cost-effective chlorophyll enhancement. But we’re the best because we’re the safest, and we’ll provide you the studies to prove it. All you’ll have to do is point out the highlighted sections of our research pamphlets to lead your clients to the same rock-solid conclusions our scientists have reached: Chlorolyft’s® extensive testing protocols make us the safest brand around.
And not just the safest–
You know what–we hadn’t planned on announcing this yet, but there’s something about this group. I feel like you’re ready.
I’m sure you’re aware that the men and women in our lab are constantly working to improve the Chlorolyft® experience. As if providing the world’s safest and most effective wellness product weren’t enough for these people, they’ve gone and found a way to make it even better.
Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you: Chlorolyft’s® new Refractions™ line.
Imagine all the benefits of chlorophyll enhancement, in any color you choose. Why should everyone have to look like the same potted plant? If you feel as beautiful as a rose, why not be Petal Pink? Or look as regal as a king in Power Purple. Feeling as energetic as a bolt of lightning? Electric Blue might be for you.
I admit, the names need some work, but the rainbow itself is ripe for your choosing. Because we aren’t yet going public with this product, we can only offer an advance peek to certain members of our community. And as the newest members of the Chlorolyft® family, you’ll have the opportunity to try–to be–these trendsetting colors before anyone else!
Who else could rightly debut the future of chlorophyll? Naturally the ones who will introduce it to the world should benefit first. You’ll be the vanguard of the movement, the multi-hued pinnacle of health and wellness! I’ll bet none of you imagined what a brilliant, colorful mark you’d be making on the world today.
Of course, we would need your permission first, but to make it easier for you, we’ve worked the wording right into your Chlorolyft® franchising contracts. No muss, no fuss, no extra papers to sign. And for those of you joining us by hologram today, don’t worry about missing out: we use Holo-ID, so you can sign up just as though you were here in person.
What could be better? With one flick of the wrist you can make history, and look fantastic while doing it. I’d join you if I could, but this opportunity is only for our newest members. I’d say my hue is due to envy, but we all know it’s just my fitness program.
No, this isn’t about me, ladies and gentlemen: it’s about you and your first step toward a prosperous and glamorous green future.
Our most heartfelt welcome to the Chlorolyft® family.
Zazz Burbank is absolutely jazzed every morning he wakes up to another wonderful day as Director of Franchising with Chlorolyft. He is honored to be part of the lean, green beauty revolution that is making its clients gorgeous and its representatives emerald-rich. For more information on how to become one of Chlorolyft’s mint-colored mavericks, contact Zazz at zburbank@chlorolyft.$$$.
Tara Campbell [www.taracampbell.com] is a Washington, D.C.-based writer. With a BA in English and an MA in German, she has a demonstrated aversion to money and power. Tara is an assistant fiction editor at Barrelhouse and volunteers with children’s literacy organization 826DC. Prior publication credits include McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Establishment, Barrelhouse, Masters Review, Up, Do: Flash Fiction by Women Writers, and Queen Mob’s Teahouse, among others. TreeVolution, her eco sci-fi novel about genetically-modified trees that wake up and fight back, was published by Lillicat Publishers last fall.
Errow is a comic artist and illustrator with a predilection towards the surreal and the familiar. She pays her time to developing worlds not quite like our own with her artist fiancee and pushing the queer agenda. She probably left a candle burning somewhere. More of her work can be found at errowcollins.wix.com/portfolio.
“Welcome to Your Future with Chlorolyft®” is © 2016 Tara Campbell
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Errow Collins
This story originally appeared in Punchnel’s.