A speech by Zazz Burbank, as provided by Tara Campbell
Art by Errow Collins
Welcome to Chlorolyft®, and congratulations on starting the career of a lifetime! I’m Zazz Burbank, Director of Franchising, and I can’t tell you how inspiring it is to look out onto all of your smiling faces. I see most of you have been using the product already. Fabulous! But let me tell you, the green I’m looking at right now is nothing compared to the green you’ll be raking in after today. Seriously, folks, I’m thrilled to be with you for your launch into the transformational–and profitable–world of chlorophyll enhancement.
You all know how far we’ve come. For generations, people struggled to squeeze themselves into a tyrannically narrow definition of beauty. Thin and white: for too long, that was the only answer. Then, finally, thin and tan was acceptable. Then thin and brown–but not too brown, right? Sad, but true.
But now, thanks to Chlorolyft®, we have a whole new palette to work with. “Lean and green—and perfectly healthy.”® I see lots of you nodding out there. Yes, those are the words of Chlorolyft® inventor Nick Nickerson, the man whose vision has revolutionized the health, wellness, and beauty industries–and whose gift to the world is about to make you rich.
Before Nick, chlorophyll enhancement was available only to the elites–stars and moguls whose slim green bodies made everyone else green with envy. It was prohibitively expensive, the ultimate differentiator between rich and poor, much more telling than what someone wore, where they lived, where they dined–indeed, whether they had to dine at all.
But today is a new day. Forget the risky, expensive injections of the past. And how many good, hard-working people have time to waste on consultations and maintenance infusions? Those days are over. With this little bottle, ladies and gentlemen, we are going to democratize happiness. Your family and friends can finally have the silky jade sex appeal, the trim emerald physique they’ve always dreamed of. With Chlorolyft®, nobody, no matter how average their income, will ever be a slave to food again.
To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2017 collection.
Zazz Burbank is absolutely jazzed every morning he wakes up to another wonderful day as Director of Franchising with Chlorolyft. He is honored to be part of the lean, green beauty revolution that is making its clients gorgeous and its representatives emerald-rich. For more information on how to become one of Chlorolyft’s mint-colored mavericks, contact Zazz at zburbank@chlorolyft.$$$.
Tara Campbell [www.taracampbell.com] is a Washington, D.C.-based writer. With a BA in English and an MA in German, she has a demonstrated aversion to money and power. Tara is an assistant fiction editor at Barrelhouse and volunteers with children’s literacy organization 826DC. Prior publication credits include McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Establishment, Barrelhouse, Masters Review, Up, Do: Flash Fiction by Women Writers, and Queen Mob’s Teahouse, among others. TreeVolution, her eco sci-fi novel about genetically-modified trees that wake up and fight back, was published by Lillicat Publishers last fall.
Errow is a comic artist and illustrator with a predilection towards the surreal and the familiar. She pays her time to developing worlds not quite like our own with her artist fiancee and pushing the queer agenda. She probably left a candle burning somewhere. More of her work can be found at errowcollins.wix.com/portfolio.
“Welcome to Your Future with Chlorolyft®” is © 2016 Tara Campbell
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Errow Collins
This story originally appeared in Punchnel’s.Follow us online: