That Man Behind the Curtain: May 2016

Flying home over  Seattle.

Flying home over Seattle.

Now’s the time that we look back at the numbers for May!

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.
Hosting: ($17.06)
Stories: ($90.00)
Art: ($360.00)
Advertising: ($20.00)
Processing Fees: ($25.18)
Printing: ($274.69)
Donations: $42.71
Ad Revenue: $0.60
Kickstarter: $50.00
Physical Book Sales: $108.00
Online Book Sales: $29.58

Total: ($556.04)
QTD: ($2,304.64)
YTD: $3,199.49
All Time: ($13,215.06)

As per usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. (This does not apply to special content, which does not have a specific month associated with it.) Sales are for sales when they take place, not when it’s actually paid out to me. I also cover Paypal expenses when paying authors and artists as best I can. Paypal has made it more difficult, so I’m not as capable of covering international fees.

The amount for the Kickstarter represents money added by backers in Backerkit.

Submissions

We were closed to submissions in May. All time acceptance rate is now 45.16%.

Followers

At the end of May:

Facebook: 1,342 (+9)

Twitter: 450 (-14)

Google+: 60 (+0)

Tumblr: 145 (+2)

Mailing List: 60 (-2)

Patreon: 11 (-1)

Traffic

May saw a another drop in traffic. We had 957 visits, involving 735 users and 1,518 page views.

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The Heart’s Engine

An essay by Richard Gentry, as provided by R. Scott Shanks, Jr.
Art by Leigh Legler


I am not mad. Altered, certainly, as who would not be in my profession? Who would not be, having seen the things I have seen, and done what I have had to do? Far from being confused, my mind is sharper than before, my senses are not blunted but honed to razor edges of discernment, and my body, both the natural components and the improved, is kept to a rigorous maintenance schedule.

I have been scrupulous in that since my injuries in the war, which gave me my first replacements. I felt that they fell short, being mainly cosmetic, and turned my professional interest, that being engineering, to improving them. It was short work for me to replace the rude peg-leg with a network of pneumatic cylinders arranged on a pinned frame that acted as a normal leg might act. I had very nearly the range of motion and ease of use as I had with my original, flesh leg.

The prototype was rough and funds were dear by this point, so I went to the provider of my original prosthetic with a proposal; he would provide funding for the final improvements, and I would, in turn, hand over the design to him for use as he saw fit. His counter to my proposal, on seeing my design, was that I would join him and continue my work, creating for medicine what it so sorely lacked–solutions instead of palliatives.

And so I came to work for Halbert Ashcroft.

When I met him, he seemed nothing but an unappealing, feeble, and skeletal man in a wheeled chair, unable from childhood to even hold himself upright due to a variety of wasting diseases and a weak heart. His interest in my work was not selfless nor even oriented on profit; my first duties were to fit him with legs to replace his own wasted ones. These worked, of course, but his emaciated body could not summon even the strength to balance him, so were removed again. Instead, I built him a motorized cart, powered by two counter-rotating flywheels that provided stabilizing mass and motive force to take him anywhere wheels could go.

I had expected that this device would be placed immediately before the public, and that many of the infirm would benefit from it. Ashcroft’s business interests already included the manufacture of the more ordinary sorts of wheeled chairs; it seemed natural to me that he would move the improved model to the general good. Such was not the case. His chair, and his own offensively leering person, were placed before the public, but not to offer up the motorized chair. Instead, he touted his company’s products and implied that all of his existing inventory would give the freedom and mobility he himself enjoyed.

I was disquieted, but he had placed other design tasks before me that consumed my attention; I had little time to attend to what was, in the end, business. His right hand was arthritic beyond use. I gave the matter my full attention and soon he had replacement joints shining from the nest of wrinkled liver-spots, a quartet of gleaming pistons operating the movements of his forefinger, the whole borrowing power from the flywheels of his cart. The intricacies of the mechanism in the wrist, in particular, required more of me than human eyes could manage, and I augmented my own left eye with mountable lenses that might be changed out to specific need.

When the hand was in place, Ashcroft had an eye of his own made, removing the entire front portion of his right eye and its blinding cataracts and mounting a housing directly to his skull, one with sufficient depth to permit varying focus for the lenses held there. I dreamed of the blind made to see. He dreamed of greater sensation caused by his own revised person, and of turning that attention into increased sales.

The Heart's Engine

The pinnacle of his improvements, the tribute that he unwittingly made of his foul person at the altar of my genius, was his heart. His own was prone to stuttering failure, and he bore the prototype of what I hoped would be the saving of man’s short span, a series of pistons set into his chest, placed with such care and insight that the soft end of each actuator served to compress the chambers of his nearly useless organ, continuing its function for as long as power could be supplied.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Richard Gentry (Lt, Ret; H.D.Sc) was head of research for Ashcroft Medical Apparatus & Replacements until certain disagreements on troubleshooting procedures caused him to seek a position elsewhere. Shortly afterward, he left the Cherche-Midi prison under informal circumstances involving modified flatware, a small fire, and over two dozen rats found in a roughly augmented state. His current whereabouts are not known, although we continue to hear reports of a limping, clanking form stalking the alleys of Montmarte, guldering about maintenance schedules and tolerances.


R. Scott Shanks, Jr., was introduced to M. Gentry while in the company of the French police, where a firm camaraderie was immediately established. Counter to the opinions of both the prosecutor and the sitting magistrate, he had nothing to do with M. Gentry’s sudden departure from Parisian hospitality. It is true that Mr. Shanks had visited M. Gentry in prison, bringing a bushel-basket of broken clocks and bits of wire–as well as several pounds of rodent bait–but that was intended to augment his own person to improve a bad back and several more personal issues.


Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.


“The Heart’s Engine” is © 2016 R. Scott Shanks, Jr.
Art accompanying piece is © 2016 Leigh Legler.

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Press Three for Unintended Consequences

An essay by Ander E. Welt, President, Alternative Services, Inc.
Brought to our attention by E. B. Fischadler
Art by Justine McGreevy


We at Alternative Services, Inc. (our motto: Life could be better–maybe), are pleased to offer the public a unique, life altering–dare we say it–life saving service: the ability to explore and take alternate life paths. The scientists at Alternative Services have managed to harness one of the most useful aspects of quantum physics: alternate universes. Now, no one is limited to their present dreary existence. If things get tough, should things go sour, when all hope is lost, Alternative Services can deliver you to another universe where you live like a King. Remarkably, such a sophisticated service has a simple title: Multipath®. With Multipath®, one can correct past blunders, answer the inexorable “what-ifs,” and gamble with the highest stakes imaginable. In the following, we describe each of these services separately.

Mulligans®

Golfers already know the great relief offered by the ability to replay a bad shot. Now, with Mulligans®, everyone can undo past blunders, right past wrongs, and clean up the mess that is one’s life. Imagine you dropped the fishbowl as you tried to move your child’s beloved pet from the dining room to the living room of your fourth floor walkup. Your child’s copious tears and the knowledge that you have subjected her to a trauma that will forever haunt her are unbearable. With Mulligans®, you can change all that. Mulligans® will transport you to an alternate universe where the probability of that happening approaches zero. Instead, your child’s goldfish thrives, eventually occupying a Koi pond in front of your million dollar residence, and your daughter grows up to be the first female president of the United States.

Ifonly®

Remember that cute number sitting next to you in algebra class? Wonder what life would be like if only you married her instead of that battle-axe who collects half your pay in alimony each week? Now with Ifonly®, you can leave all that behind as we transport you from your dismal excuse for a home life to a world of possibly wedded bliss. Or wouldn’t it be nice if you had taken that new job in Wausau? With Ifonly®, you might be the one issuing orders rather than the minion licking your boss’s shoes.

Press Three for Unintended Consequences

The scientists at Alternative Services have managed to harness one of the most useful aspects of quantum physics: alternate universes.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Ander E. Welt is the president and CEO of Alternative Services, Inc. Depending on which universe you are in when reading this, he either has a Doctorate in Physics from Harvard, a certificate in Culinary Arts from Le Cordon Bleu, or he is a former used car salesman.


E. B. Fischadler has been writing short stories for several years, and has recently begun publishing.  His stories have appeared in Mad Scientist Journal, Bewildering Stories, eFiction, and Beyond Science Fiction.

In addition to fiction, Fischadler has published over 30 papers in refereed scientific journals, as well as a chapter of a textbook on satellite engineering.

When he is not writing, he pursues a career in engineering and serves his community as an EMT.

Fischadler continues to write short stories and is working on a novel about a naval surgeon.

You can learn more about Fischadler and access his other publications at:

http://ebfischadler.wordpress.com/


Justine McGreevy is a slowly recovering perfectionist, writer, and artist. She creates realities to make our own seem slightly less terrifying. Her work can be viewed at http://www.behance.net/Fickle_Muse and you can follow her on Twitter @Fickle_Muse.


“Press Three for Unintended Consequences” is © 2013 E. B. Fischadler.
Art accompanying story is © 2015 Justine McGreevy.

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My PC is Cheating on Me

Professor Charles A. Donet’s journal entry – the early years as provided by Eamon Singh, as provided by J. Herman
Art by Dawn Vogel


I have an image of a stranger’s hand in my cookie jar of life.

At odd times, when I take a moment between projects in my three-walled, open-planned, shared-space cubicle, smelling someone’s Kim Chee dish heating in the coffee room microwave. Or jarred awake from some fiscal nightmare, still tangled in my IKEA white comforter on the narrow futon at home around two AM–the latest Great Depression was not kind to me–wet with sour smelling sweat and breathing like I’ve just finished the last kilometer of a marathon that I’ve never run in my life …

I think how easily all that money that I see in digital form, a series of numbers representing bitcoins 4.X that I tally up daily while I wait for that number to tell me I’ve arrived at that vast goal of retirement somewhere in my future–how easily it can all go away.

They’re just bits on the Net …

I have an image of some programmer on the other side of the world huddled over a generator by candlelight, creating evil botnets and malcontented code that feeds information to peasants somewhere in China or India or, hell, maybe insourced back to Arkansas, sifting through the returned data for all the US population on this specific day, a Wednesday, to mine my identity–to personally come after what little wealth I’ve managed to scrape together.

And then my brain clamps down on that image, refuses to go down that pathway of thought, for that way lies madness and panic attacks. I know it’s madness. My AI thera-bot tells me that weekly. I turn on the light, and reach for the bottle of Xanax. The Xanax that my thera-bot prescribed for me a year ago and which now continues to ship from Amazon … automatically … seamlessly … renewed through the wonders of the computer network.

HOLYSHITFUCKOHMYGAWD

It all makes sense to me now.

The late night whirring of the laptop fan that rises in volume, the harder the machine works. No Windows update the next day to explain it.

I ask. I plead. I query, “What were you doing last night in my room?”

The white text on the black background in the little command window says, “No results returned.”

I come home to find the laptop is warm when I place it on my lap. And I know I left it in hibernate mode before I went out to the office.

Then there’s the smells. I get whiffs of something burning from my desk tucked in the corner of my bedroom when I return from foraging in the kitchen for a snack. It’s the same smell I get if I leave my comforter too close to the wall heater for a period of time during winter. A smell that tells me the battery is really, really hot because my PC is working really, really hard.

Just not for me.

My PC is Cheating on Me

I ask. I plead. I query, “What were you doing last night in my room?”The white text on the black background in the little command window says, “No results returned.” 


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Professor Charles A. Donet received his ThD from the Reuss Européenne d’Informatisation (REI) Institution. After soaking up as much knowledge of Thermatology that he could find, Dr. Donet moved on to other studies after realizing he had not spent 10 years studying the art and science of “wonder working.” His years in Thermatology did pay off when he licensed his famous selection of Toad in the Hole recipes to a world renowned breakfast chain that requested anonymity in exchange for a small fee. In his later years, Dr. Donet has focused on the effect of creating Heisenbergian build up to affect people at a macro level. The fact that his studying these effects kept changing how he saw the world has been blamed for his escalating paranoia–a trait his students and colleagues were briefly observed to exploit every April 1st, until it all changed.


Eamon Singh is the celebrated Mupert Rudart of the tell-all social media sites. Mr. Singh has been published by the Daily Double, Quark’s Aplenty, Ripped, Open Wide and many other well-known sites that focus on the many odd and strange human proclivities for experimentation. Eamon Singh has published the definitive biography of Dr. Donet, “The Systemic Error on the Boxed Particle: Do You Think I’m Crazy?”

Mr. Singh has also holds the World Record for the most exploited Heisenbergian hoaxes ever performed during a single April Fool’s Day, when he was Dr. Donet’s lab assistant.


J. Herman has been a Rocket Scientist, a computer graphic developer for Hollywood films, a network god, and now a writer, which can also be considered sort of a god, who lives in the Pacific Northwest.


Dawn Vogel has been published as a short fiction author and an editor of both fiction and non-fiction. Although art is not her strongest suit, she’s happy to contribute occasional art to Mad Scientist Journal. By day, she edits reports for and manages an office of historians and archaeologists. In her alleged spare time, she runs a craft business and tries to find time for writing. She lives in Seattle with her awesome husband (and fellow author), Jeremy Zimmerman, and their herd of cats. For more of Dawn’s work visit http://historythatneverwas.com/.


“My PC is Cheating on Me” is © 2016 J. Herman
Art acompanying story is © 2016 Dawn Vogel

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An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism

Dr. Melissa Mariposa, M.D., Ph.D., Psy.D. (deceased)
Recovered and Transcribed posthumously from a standard Everitech Labs Neural Recorder by A. Hollins
Art by Luke Spooner


I gripped the railing tightly, feeling knuckles crack as I looked at the scene of destruction below. The catwalk swayed a bit as I looked, stared in horror, at broken machines, upturned desks, papers and books scattered. And the bodies; eleven of them, blood pooling, red smeared over everything, slowly drying to a dark brown. It was hard to believe, my gaze flicking from face to face, all the same, features familiar to me. A face that also adorned the man standing at my side.

“You … you understand, right, Melissa?”

I looked over at Dr. Zahia, the same face that lay forever unmoving below, copied eleven times, still living, twitching, in front of me. I watched him, that face twisting in emotions. Fear, doubt, loathing, worry, hope. I reached out to touch his shoulder, comfort him, but stopped short, the large drying patch of blood reminding me that he had been part of that scene below.  And none of the blood was his. Or all of it.

I swallowed a few times to find my voice.

“No John, I don’t. I … Let’s go over this again. You had a flash of insight on the teleportation experiment, and came in on the weekend, without telling any of us. It worked, and you, of course, tested it on yourself.” I felt my eyes roll at that, and Dr. Zahia had the decency to look down in embarrassment. And found that the teleporter we’ve all worked on for this last year was …” I waved at the carnage below us.

An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism

“And I thought, my god. How much work could I accomplish as a team of a dozen? It was glorious, we had a silent telepathy going, like worker ants building, calculating, creating together. And then … the day was over, and it was time to go home.”

“A duplicator. Our attempts to destroy as we created was what stopped us. Abra kadabra.”

He paced away from me a few steps then turned back, the metal catwalk swaying slightly with his steps.

“And I thought, my god. How much work could I accomplish as a team of a dozen? It was glorious, we had a silent telepathy going, like worker ants building, calculating, creating together. And then … the day was over, and it was time to go home.”


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Dr. Melissa Mariposa has been a researcher for Everitech for nearly two decades, and is largely responsible for the creation of the Neural Recorder. Her recent death in a lab accident has been discovered to be a mistake, and we hope for a full and speedy recovery. She lives with her commonlaw wife of 10 years, Heather, and her children, Jacob, 5, and Stephanie M., 16, who is a member of the Everitech Junior Researcher League.


Alexander Hollins is a Junior Archivist in the Neural Recorder Archives, a natural talent at integrating with the recorded memories and providing transcripts of the events and details of laboratory accidents and sudden discoveries. He is married to a school teacher and has two children, Flint, 6, and James, 4.


Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.


“An Introduction to Emotional Scarcity in an Induced Multiperson Organism” is © 2016 Alexander Hollins.
Art accompanying story is © 2016 Luke Spooner.

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That Man Behind the Curtain: April 2016

Here we are at Pulicon, a tiny one-day convention held in the Puyallup Public Library!

Here we are at Pulicon, a tiny one-day convention held in the Puyallup Public Library!

Now’s the time that we look back at the numbers for April!

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.
Hosting: ($17.06)
Stories: ($1,116.00)
Art: ($450.00)
Advertising: ($35.00)
Processing Fees: ($65.98)
Printing: ($163.25)
Conventions: ($40.00)
Donations: $52.71
Ad Revenue: $0.40
Kickstarter: $20.00
Physical Book Sales: $0.00
Online Book Sales: $40.71

Total: ($1,748.60)
QTD: ($1,748.60)
YTD: $3,216.55
All Time: ($12,659.02)

As per usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. (This does not apply to special content, which does not have a specific month associated with it.) Sales are for sales when they take place, not when it’s actually paid out to me. I also cover Paypal expenses when paying authors and artists as best I can. Paypal has made it more difficult, so I’m not as capable of covering international fees.

The amount for the Kickstarter represents both the money raised through the Kickstarter proper, as well as funds added on in Backerkit.

Submissions

We were closed to submissions in April. All time acceptance rate is now 45.16%.

Followers

At the end of April:

Facebook: 1,333 (+16)

Twitter: 464 (+12)

Google+: 60 (+0)

Tumblr: 143 (+9)

Mailing List: 62 (+1)

Patreon: 12 (-1)

Traffic

April saw a huge drop in traffic. We had 1,138 visits, involving 802 users and 1,945 page views.

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Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U

A reminiscence of Dr. Peter West, as told to Gary Cuba
Art by Luke Spooner


My doctoral advisor, Professor Eiser, slapped the palms of his hands against his forehead, leaned back in his chair, and groaned at the ceiling. “Not the Medford Object! Saints preserve us. Where on Earth did you hear about that damned thing, Mr. West?”

“From a footnote in an obscure textbook. The object was described as being ‘immune to sensible scientific inquiry.’ What better subject to research for my Philosophy of Science dissertation?”

Eiser jotted down a note when I cited the book’s title. I had run across it in the Miskatonic University Library while looking for thesis ideas.

“Hmm, must have been one that didn’t get expunged,” he said. “The Head Librarian, Dr. Armitage, is slipping, poor fellow. Old age catches up with everyone.” He cleared his throat. “Well, most everyone, that is.”

“Professor Eiser, I really want to pursue this. I owe it to my great-uncle Herbert, who sponsored me here at Miskatonic. He was never one to let opposition get in the way of his dreams.”

Eiser leaned his head to one side, then the other. “Peter, it’s true that your uncle got you into this university. But that was less a matter of being a ‘legacy,’ and more of placating him. We thought it a wise decision, in order to deflect any agents of Herbert’s wrath away from our institution. Eldritch agents, to be precise. By the way, I hear he doesn’t get out much anymore.”

“He never leaves his house, true enough. But he still putters around in his basement lab. Anyway, we’re drifting off the subject. Will you support my dissertation choice, or not?”

The professor sighed. “Far be it from me to keep a good man from pursuing his destiny, however cockamamie and ill-advised it may be. You’ve excelled in your work to this point, and proven yourself to be a dedicated, hard-working, focused and … extremely stubborn individual. Which is something we appreciate and nurture at Miskatonic U. Now, I do have some chips to call in from the other members of the dissertation committee, so … I’ll reluctantly give it a thumb’s up. And may God have mercy on your soul, boy.”

I rose from my chair and pumped my fist in the air. Yes! When I reached the door, Eiser said, “It’s not going to be easy finding the reference material you’ll need, Peter. And I’m not going to be of much help in that regard. Go for it with gusto, is all I can advise. But be prepared for a hard, slippery ride.”

Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U

I looked up. Instead of the ceiling, I saw an upside-down fellow in an upside-down stack aisle, directly above me.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Dr. Peter West received his hard-fought doctorate from Miskatonic University in 2007, but was fired from that institution three years later for “ethical misconduct”–to wit, for using his students in unsanctioned experiments that in some cases led to severe neurological breakdowns. His whereabouts at this time are unknown.


Gary Cuba, a frequent contributor to Mad Science Journal, has seen his fiction published in more than ninety magazines and anthologies, including Baen’s Universe, Nature Futures, Daily Science Fiction, and Flash Fiction Online. His lives with his wife in South Carolina, dangerously close to the Congaree National Swamp. He sometimes sees things that cannot possibly exist.


Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.


“Pursuing a Doctorate at Miskatonic U” is © 2016 Gary Cuba.
Art accompanying story is © 2016 Luke Spooner.

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To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken

A letter by Dr. Elizabeth Chu, as provided by Alanna McFall
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye


To the most glorious and esteemed Dr. Von Lupe,

Hello, sir, and may I just say it was a pleasure to hear from you in your last missive. Dr. Quinn and I were both honored and delighted, and we both look forward to answering your many, many questions about the progress of our work. Dr. Quinn is writing her own response, but we agreed it would be beneficial for you to get both sides of our story before appropriately distributing praise, blame, or any molecular disintegration that you see fit.

We have been hard at work on the cephalopod intelligence experiments, and each generation of squid, along with the octopi and cuttlefish, have shown accelerated intellectual growth and positive responses to puzzles and tests. We have truly broken new ground in invertebrate biology, and I believe you will find a great deal to be happy with in our work. Were we to declassify our research tomorrow and leave our underground dwelling, we could win a Nobel Prize with ease. Unfortunately, as to your request for hyper-intelligent giant squid (or “kraken,” as I know you prefer them to be called) fit to independently run an underwater base of operations (or “lair”), there is still a great deal of work to be done.

One of our most recurring issues has been in regards to your request that the kraken be able to understand spoken and written English and Russian. While we are able to give the highest performing of our test subjects rudimentary instructions by way of hand signals and color-coded signs, they have yet to respond to written symbols in any alphabet. It is my deepest sorrow to report that all of the squid remain illiterate as of the writing of this letter. I beg your leniency in this matter, sir, as I believe we are scant months (three years, at most) away from bringing our smartest cephalopod to a kindergarten reading level.

But I am happy to report, sir, that not all of my news is contrary to your wishes, and therefore bad. Allow me to recount a quick anecdote of an occurrence that took place a few months ago:

I was taking a brief respite from my work while the latest batch of the intelligence serum distilled. (I assure you that my resting is not a common occurrence, sir. I adore working 18 hour days as a part of your glorious science machine. If anyone in this lab is ever slacking off, it is Dr. Quinn.) I pulled out a small hobby of mine in order to relax my mind, a scarf that I am crocheting. I sat next to one of the large glass cephalopod tanks to work.

After working on my handicraft for some time, I noticed movement in the tank behind me. Several of the cephalopods had gathered against the side of the tank and were watching me. That in and of itself is not unusual, as they are very curious creatures by nature, a trait which has only increased with treatments. But several of the test subjects were grasping lengths of seaweed in their tentacles, along with sticks and other long skinny lengths of plastic from their tank. Upon closer inspection, it appeared that the seaweed had been twisted into lumpy knots.

I raised my scarf in my hands. They held their seaweed between their tentacles. I made a stitch in the scarf by twisting the yarn around my crochet hook. They tried to the best of their abilities to mimic the motion, twisting their seaweed into tangles with the sticks and plastic tubing. After less than an hour of watching me, some of them more or less had the logistics of it down.

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken

I hope that you see the importance of this milestone, sir, and why it was vital for me to spend the last two months teaching all of our squid, octopi, and cuttlefish to crochet. As a scientist, it would have been irresponsible of me not to.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Dr. Elizabeth Chu is one of the world’s leading experts on invertebrate biology and cephalopod intelligence. Her work with squid and cuttlefish has brought her to international recognition and acclaim, which has made her recent disappearance all the more shocking. Dr. Chu went missing six months ago while on holiday near the Ural Mountains, and investigators have found no clues as to her current whereabouts. Any information regarding the location of Dr. Chu should be brought to the appropriate authorities immediately.


Alanna McFall is an upcoming science fiction and fantasy writer. She has worked in a variety of mediums, from short stories to novels to audio scripts, and across a range of locations, stretching the span of the country from New York to Minnesota to California. She is always looking for ways to expand her repertoire and get involved in her next project. Follow her work on Twitter at @AlannaMcFall, or on her website, alannamcfall.wordpress.com.


Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at www.scarlettohairdye.com.


“To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Kraken” is © 2016 Alanna McFall.
Art accompanying story is © 2016 Scarlett O’Hairdye.

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It Landed in the Woods, My Head

An essay by Joseph Mei, as provided by Leslie J. Anderson
Art by America Jones


Taco was a Papillion, for all intents and purposes, and showed up at the door of my small white house at the edge of the woods, or in the middle of the woods. That is to say, the woods are more or less around me all the time. I live in the woods, is what I’m trying to say. There’s something you should know about these woods–about the things that live there and seem to tolerate me despite all the teeth they have and my mild manners. Let me start over.

One evening, I was sitting at my table with a notebook, trying for the hundredth time to write to my wife, Jemma, in the city. I had to find the words to make her take me back, or come here, or something. I had to find the words, in any case, to explain. I was tired of the alone feeling that sat between my shoulder blades like a breezeblock. I clicked and unclicked my pen. Click. Click. Scratch. Scratch. That was not me.

I stopped clicking the pen and tilted my head. The little white house was bright, but sparsely decorated. My landlord had given it to me already furnished and decorated, so there was a lot more lace than I would have chosen, and the furniture was fairly small for my long thin body. It was night outside, and the forest made all the usual creepy forest noises. There was the low moaning of the thing that crawled through the top of the branches, or maybe it was the thing that lived just under the bark of the red trees, or maybe it was the thing I saw under the porch, with the scaled, human hands. I was never sure. Then, there it was again. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. None of the things from the woods ever came to the door. They avoided the cabin and sometimes I even felt safe there, if I ignored the noises.

I opened the door and there he was, Taco, a small golden powder puff with two tiny ears and a fluffy tail wagging back and forth in the snow. He looked up at me with two tiny black eyes. Of course, I hadn’t named him Taco yet. It was just a dog, tiny and lost and shivering a little in the cold. I looked out into the night. There was no human out there. There was something the size of a whale moving impossibly just past the white birches. It blinked at me with an eye the size of a Volkswagen and opened one of its mouths. I looked back down at the little yellow fluff.

“Are you cold?” I asked.

I didn’t want to let it in. I didn’t have anything to feed a dog in the house. But as I waited, it was very obvious that no human was going to form from the snow, pick up their dog, and crunch away, so I stepped aside. “Okay, come in.”

It Landed in the Woods, My Head

He jumped inside and began prancing and pawing around the little house. I looked outside again, but there was nothing in the cold dark. The gutters rattled in the wind and something around the corner made a sound like it was trying to breathe through a throat of glass and I slammed the door. The little dog wiggled around my ankles and hopped once or twice. I fed him taco shells because I didn’t have much else in the cabinets. That didn’t seem like me, honestly. I was always very prepared.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Joseph Mei graduated with two PhDs from Johns Hopkins in [Redacted] and [Redacted] with a specialization in Nuclear and Molecular [Redacted]. Joseph has published in the Journal of Fallout Studies and the Curie Institute Weekly Newsletter. Joseph says that he has tried not to let the recent passing of his greyhound, Taco, or the end of his relationship with his fiancé affect his focus. Instead, he’s excited to be accepted to the Legion of [Redacted] and work on his newest project [Redacted].


Leslie J. Anderson’s writing has appeared in Asimov’s, Apex, Strange Horizons, and Daily Science Fiction. Her poetry has been nominated for a Pushcart, Elgin, and Rhysling Award.

She lives in Ohio with her husband and two small dogs, Caper and Oscar. For her day job, she organizes words and pictures for financial consultants.


AJ is an illustrator and comic artist with a passion for neon colors and queer culture. Catch them being antisocial on social media @thehauntedboy.


“It Landed in the Woods, My Head” is © 2016 Leslie J. Anderson
Art accompanying story is © 2016 America Jones

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Marasmus

An essay by Marasmus, as provided by Damien Krsteski
Art by Errow Collins


On the beach, squinting at the setting sun, was when the thought of murdering Rashid first crossed your mind. The waves rolled in while you did the math and realized that the time was ripe to take over the poor guy’s share of the company.

It’s not like you knew right then and there, your feet flapping in the surf, that you’d end up bashing his brains in on a Monday afternoon in his office, but you knew you had to start thinking about it.

You. Not me, as you had me believe for so long.

No, no, you sicko, I come into this much later.

~

My first inkling of the kind of person you are comes from a childhood memory of yours.

You were eleven. Your old man caught you jacking off into his girlfriend’s stockings. He gave you a prompt beating, then chased you out of the house, saying, “Don’t even think about coming back, you perv.”

You went out the door and sat on the front steps, red-faced and grumbling, and when your dad’s girlfriend showed up three hours later, kneeled and asked you, “What’s the matter, dear?” you pursed your lips, made your eyes well up with fake tears, and said your father had been very mean.

She wanted to know what had happened.

You pretended to hesitate. “I’m scared,” you said.

When she promised to protect you, you told her he’d strangled you, for no reason, no reason whatsoever. “Here, see,” you said, showing her the bruises. Fuming, she stood up and stormed into the house.

She yelled at your old man, fought with him, then left and never came back.

He beat you for a whole week, but every victory comes at a price, doesn’t it?

Marasmus

On the beach, squinting at the setting sun, was when the thought of murdering Rashid first crossed your mind. The waves rolled in while you did the math and realized that the time was ripe to take over the poor guy’s share of the company.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2016 collection.


Marasmus is software. Marasmus is hungry. Marasmus is growing, and feeling guilty, and angry.


Damien Krsteski writes SF and develops software. His stories have appeared in Plasma Frequency Magazine, Flapperhouse, The Colored Lens, Perihelion SF, Bastion, Kzine, Mad Scientist Journal, and others. He lives and works in Skopje, Macedonia. Online, he can be found at http://monochromewish.blogspot.com and @monochromewish.


Errow is a comic artist and illustrator focused on narrative work themed around worlds not quite like our own. She spends her time working with her partner on The Kinsey House webcomic and developing other comic projects when she’s not playing tag with her bear of a cat. More of her work can be found at errowcollins.wix.com/portfolio.


“Marasmus” is © 2016 Damien Krsteski
Art accompanying story is © 2016 Errow Collins

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