Posts | Mad Scientist Journal | The Academic Journal for the Misunderstood Genius

Reflections on a Void

Posted on September 12, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

An essay by an anonymous visionary, as provided by Braddock Gaskill
Art by Dawn Vogel

The good days wash over you like an ocean wave. The solid days of sixteen hours of pure productivity. They leave you cleansed in a baptism of human endeavor. You don’t remember how the code looked yesterday; you are reborn into a new unrecognizable world of your own creation. Subroutines that didn’t exist now exist, function, and interact with you like old friends.

Then there are the other days.

The slow days, the dumb days, the befuddled days. Getting dressed seems too complex; taking a shower is simply out of reach; programming a machine is a hopeless mysticism. The mental and physical filth clings to you, accumulating day after day.

Delusions are my profession. I create mathematical software for clients–the product of my days is nothing but a series of well-arranged symbols that invoke the underlying laws of nature. It should, therefore, not be surprising that I have a delusional personality. Creation is delusion incarnate.

So perhaps I was better prepared than most when the void appeared. Don’t get me wrong, it has pushed me to the verge of madness–or, I must confess, is possibly a product of madness. But I am getting ahead of myself.

A crack of inky blackness and purple haze, a couple feet wide at the widest point. The edges fluctuate slowly. However, the overall size and shape seems stable.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

The narrator of this story wishes to remain anonymous. Over many years, he worked himself up from nothing into a world of mathematics and machine logic.

During this process, he perhaps lost an appreciation for the reality of others. He toils alone, but his work is much sought after.

Braddock Gaskill is a senior research scientist at a major multinational corporation. His work involves computer vision and multi-lingual translation. His passion lies in machine learning in general and neural networks in particular. He has, in the past, written space industry news and numerous privately funded technology analyses.

Dawn Vogel has been published as a short fiction author and an editor of both fiction and non-fiction. Although art is not her strongest suit, she’s happy to contribute occasional art to Mad Scientist Journal. By day, she edits reports for and manages an office of historians and archaeologists. In her alleged spare time, she runs a craft business and tries to find time for writing. She lives in Seattle with her awesome husband (and fellow author), Jeremy Zimmerman, and their herd of cats. For more of Dawn’s work visit http://historythatneverwas.com/.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged Anonymous Visionary, Braddock Gaskill, Dawn Vogel, Existentialism | Comments Off

The Werner and Chalsky Event

Posted on September 5, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

An essay by Dr. Samantha Blunt, as provided by Franko Stephens
Art by Luke Spooner

Excerpts from the journal of Doctor Samantha Blunt, concerning the incidents leading up to and involving the Werner and Chalsky Event of 2023, released by court order to the Smithfield County Special Investigations Unit. Compiled and abbreviated by Franko Stephens.

January 24, 2023

They are at it again. I watched their foolishness, as I do most mornings, from my third floor home office window while drinking French vanilla coffee. It’s still hard to believe that when everyone bought their freshly built homes in this new neighborhood, constructed in an area especially for folk like us, neither had any idea that they were moving next to each other. In the whole world, there were few communities devoted to scientific genius, both active and retired, and fewer still on their own peninsula where the temperature is specially modified to always be seventy degrees. So perhaps the odds are not truly against two enemies, one spending his whole career thwarting the malevolent, immoral, and fringe science related practices of the other, from sharing a waist high white picket fence. Then again, the world is vast.

To their credit, they did their best to avoid each other for most of last year. However, the New Year’s Eve party involved a mutated form of vodka that stayed in the bloodstream twice as long. They both had to pay restitution to Harry Clintock, and the party was not even at his house. The feud was sparked anew.

Cain Werner was a brilliant quantum mechanic who patented the technique used to solidify molecules back to their original form after teleportation. He collaborated with Walter Chalsky, who built the first working teleporter with Cain’s lucrative input. Unbeknownst to his partner, Chalsky wanted to use the machine for high level robbery with the product of his other passionate experiments. He was fond of genetically modifying animals to follow his commands with heightened intelligence, combined with human skills such as lock picking and computer hacking. Raccoons were his favorite, though chimpanzees were a close second. I know all this from his confessions while we briefly had a torrid love affair just before the holidays. It ended amicably, though we had quickly bored of each other. Nothing ever happened between me and Cain. Even in my sixties, I still liked the bad boys.

This particular morning was very ugly. Where the fence met the front sidewalk, Cain actually spat in Walter’s face. He was normally the last to lose his cool, the hunched, thin man who always sported a bright bow tie, even in the early hours. Walter, significantly meatier in the shoulders, wiped the saliva with an open palm, then struck Cain against his cheek. He lunged for Cain, who touched a button on his watch to launch Walter onto the other side of his yard with an invisible force field. Cain held his face as he staggered back into his house. That night, a small furry creature threw what appeared to be feces against Cain’s windows. It took him hours to clean.

February 17

Damn Werner started it this time. I woke to find that Walter’s lawn was gone. It literally had disappeared, leaving nothing but a blank black void in its place. I opened my window to hear their vulgarities. Walter had tested the openness and learned the ground was still there, it was simply gone to perceptions. He stood like a lost astronaut, shouting, “Cain, you illegitimate bastard offspring of a hobo! Give me back my lawn!”

“Guess you’ll have to give back that Yard of the Month sign. Oh, wait, you can’t find it now!”

Six hours later, as I was watering my fly traps, the lawn appeared. The grass was covered in frost, and never quite looked the same again.

Two nights ago, my doorbell rang. A raccoon was on my porch wearing khaki pants, and you know what it did? Pulled down its pants and mooned me. This is my life now.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

Dr. Samantha Blunt is an award winning inventor with over 23 patents. Though she has amassed many experiences from around the world, she loves nothing more than a good cup of tea and trashy scandal. Her curiosity and polished ego have been known to get the best of her.

Franko Stephens lives in Pennsylvania with his wife and children. His previous work includes the novel The Crooner on Amazon Kindle. When he’s not creating bedtime stories for his daughter involving stuffed animal secret agents, Franko works on as many writing projects as possible. It keeps him out of trouble.

Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged Franko Stephens, Luke Spooner, Samantha Blunt, Supervillains | Comments Off

Mad Scientists in SFWA Promoted Kickstarter!

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

MSJ alumni Deborah Walker and Jeannie Warner, as well as editor Dawn Vogel, are all authors in the anthology 2017 Young Explorer’s Adventure Guide. It is currently seeking funding through Kickstarter, and has been chosen as a SFWA Star Project by the Science Fiction & Fantasy Writers of America! There are three weeks left in their campaign, so be sure to check out their Kickstarter page for more details!

Posted in Fiction | Tagged Pimping | Comments Off

Observations of Life Contraction

Posted on August 29, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

An essay by Dr Valentina Von Bezzhalostny, as provided by Luke McKinney
Art by America Jones

I didn’t mean to decimate the human race. The Nobel Committee doesn’t know that. They don’t know I did it at all. I’m fairly sure they rescind Peace Prizes if they find out you started all the wars in the first place.

It’s just if I’d meant to decimate the population, I could have enjoyed it. Had some cigars ready. Learned to cackle. Set up a leather recliner in front of a bank of screens instead of learning through fingerprint-stained tablet on the toilet. I can’t grow a moustache to wax, but maybe I could have worn a cape. Worn a monocle. Chilled some champagne. After first buying some champagne. In fact, forget the chilling, just making sure I had some alcohol in the house for when I worked out I’d accidentally ended a fair fraction of the human race. That really would have been a good time for a prepared cackle, as opposed to my unimpressive reaction of “Buh?”, followed by the the gut-freezing horror of someone realizing that they left the oven on and further finding that it’s burned down the continent of Europe.

But it was their fault, and I have the math to prove it.

Because our lives are so short! And so many people don’t appreciate that! We prosecute theft of money, of property, even songs and movies, but nobody punishes the thieves of time. You can be dragged to court for stealing a copy of a romantic comedy, but a delivery driver taking days of my life without ever arriving? Nothing! The comedy can be copied again but the day is gone forever. They steal the one thing you can’t get back, and any attempt to argue only throws good time after bad.

One such theft triggered my breakthrough. A young man walked into a crowded coffee shop and in broad daylight, in front of multiple witnesses, without even attempting to hide his face, tried to impress a busy cashier with tales of his new band. And the thing about “trying” is that it is very much not “doing.” If his band wasn’t called “medium cappuccino, here’s my money,” she didn’t care. I was able to salvage some time by gathering some scientific data: he proved that no-one in the queue had latent psychic ability, otherwise one of the twenty people staring into the back of his head would have set him on fire.

That’s when it hit me: time is observation. Classical dynamics can run backward or forward, it doesn’t care. It’s only the observed collapse of quantum states that defines one thing as definitely happening later than another. This observational escapement is what ticks the great gears of time forward. And the more we intently we observe this passage of time, the more intensely we experience it doing so, the more tiny ticks of time we experience. That’s why queues take so long while drunken weekends whizz past.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

Dr Valentina Von Bezzhalostny became impatient with university bureaucracy, went freelance, and ended up Prime Scientistrix of the Milky Way. She doesn’t know what you’re waiting for but is also too busy to care.

Luke McKinney is an ex-physicist turned freelance writer. He’s a columnist for Cracked, the CBS Man Cave, and RETRO gaming magazine, all of which are tremendous fun. Adding Mad Scientist Journal to the bibliography makes it even more fun! lukemckinney.net

AJ is an illustrator and comic artist with a passion for neon colors and queer culture. Catch them being antisocial on social media @thehauntedboy.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged America Jones, Luke McKinney, Quantum Physics, Valentina Von Bezzhalostny | Comments Off

Anax Britannica

Posted on August 22, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

An essay by Dr. Gertrude Nehmeyer, as provided by Simon Kewin
Art by Leigh Legler

In the summer of 2013, I was researching the history of Britain’s secret services in the Second World War for a magazine article. In particular, as a biologist, I was interested in the deployment of animals in the war effort. But among the discussions of carrier pigeons used to convey encrypted messages and dogs accompanying troops to act as guards and bloodhounds, I stumbled upon something truly remarkable: brief mention of a previously unknown–and huge–species of dragonfly.

At first I assumed the paper in question had simply been misfiled. But then I found a fuller report, which appeared to corroborate the story. The report referred to the species as Anax britannica, described as “similar to, although larger than, Anax imperator, the Emperor Dragonfly.” While imperator and its ilk are, of course, an ancient order of insect, britannica’s entire life history appears to have spanned just three years: the period 1941-1944. Unlikely as it may seem, the report suggested that swarms of these vast, clattering insects were Britain’s unlikely response to the deadly V1 flying bombs and V2 flying rockets that so terrorised southern England during World War II. Indeed, the paper referred to the insect as “Britain’s answer to the Nazi doodlebug menace.”

The report was accompanied by a single black-and-white photograph which does, indeed, depict a large dragonfly. It is hard to be sure, but judging by the foliage upon which the dragonfly perches, it is certainly possible Anax britannica’s wingspan reached the reported 12 inches. If this was so, it was the largest dragonfly to have flown over the face of the Earth for many millions of years–since the Meganeura dragonflies of the Carboniferous period, which had wingspans twice even this size.

The story seemed so incongruous and unlikely that I had to delve deeper. This was the start of a two year long trail of research and investigation which allowed me, finally, to piece together the remarkable story of one Dr. Henry Lamplighter. My article on pigeons and dogs was never written.

And that might be the end of the story, except for intriguing reports emerging in the years after the war of “large” or even “titanic” dragonfly sightings.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

Dr. Gertrude Nehmeyer is an author, blogger, and broadcaster. She is Visiting Professor of Bioethics at the University of Southern England. She is the author of several best-selling books of popular science including The Dinosaur in the Treetops, Dan’s DNA, and Beetlemania. In her spare time, she plays in an all-woman ukulele band called Msbeehaving, available for bookings all across the London area.

Simon Kewin is the author of over 100 published short stories. His works have appeared in Nature, Daily Science Fiction, Abyss & Apex, and many more. He lives in England with his wife and their daughters. His cyberpunk novel The Genehunter and his “steampunk Gormenghast” novel Engn were recently published. He is currently completing his Cloven Land fantasy trilogy. Find him at simonkewin.co.uk.

Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged Entomology, Genetic Engineering, Gertrude Nehmeyer, Leigh Legler, Simon Kewin | 1 Comment

That Man Behind the Curtain: July 2016

Posted on August 16, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

Not related to this: here’s a butterfly from the exhibit at Woodland Park Zoo.

Once again, we’re looking at numbers. This time for July!

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.
Hosting: ($17.06)
Stories: ($210.00)
Art: ($250.00)
Advertising: ($20.00)
Processing Fees: ($22.86)
Printing: ($272.97)
Conventions: ($5.20)
Donations: $37.71
Ad Revenue: $0.26
Physical Sales: $52.00
Online Book Sales: $100.34

Total: ($607.78)
QTD: ($607.78)
YTD: ($690.98)
All Time: ($14,835.01)

As usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. (This does not apply to special content, which does not have a specific month associated with it.) Sales are for sales when they take place, not when it’s actually paid out to me. I also cover Paypal expenses when paying authors and artists as best I can. Paypal has made it more difficult, so I’m not as capable of covering international fees.

Submissions

We were closed to submissions in July. All time acceptance rate remains at 45%.

Followers

At the end of July:

Facebook: 1,369 (+12)

Twitter: 479 (-2)

Google+: 60 (+0)

Tumblr: 157 (+6)

Mailing List: 60 (-1)

Patreon: 12 (+1)

Traffic

In July we had 1,013 visits, involving 812 users and 1,745 page views.

Posted in Man Behind the Curtain | Tagged Behind the Scenes | Comments Off

Love Bites

Posted on August 15, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

From the Correspondence of M. A. Johnson, as provided by James A. Conan
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye

To:
Teresa Khellerman
Editor-in-Chief
Frontiers Journal of Xenobiology
Lincoln City
New Plymouth

Teresa,

I’m writing in regards to your issue of last month, which contained my colleague’s article concerning his recent expedition to the marsh planet, Xanthus. I’m afraid I have several errors to point out the fault of you or your publication. Professor Knight’s sense of humour is so subtle as to be virtually non-existent. As mutual friends of the good professor, you and I are both aware that Winston’s scientific rigour is equalled only by his tendency to exaggerate the hardships of his fieldwork. As a fellow scientist and an agent of the Bureau of Exploratory Sciences forbidden from publishing my findings for profit, it annoys me, along with the rest of our field, that this makes him the most published Xenobiologist in League Space. Sitting there in your nice, comfortable offices, Knight’s field reports of our research on strange planets must seem far more adventurous to you than they actually are. I ask you, when reviewing Winston’s work in the future, to keep in mind that you are running a serious research journal, not a science-fiction magazine.

Specifically, I strongly object to your publishing the tentative name of the infection I contracted during my time on Xanthus: Gonococcus palus. I’ve taken it up with my own offices on Majestique and with the Athena Institute on Helia Tertia. We are in agreement that the infection wasn’t caused by sexual contact, but rather by the sting of a native insect. We aren’t yet certain how it penetrated my pressurized environment suit during my time in the field but, upon the conclusion of a complete equipment check, a report will be available on the BES central database. This sort of thing is unfortunate but, as I’m sure you know, happens all the time in our area of expertise. Xanthus may not be the most promising world for colonization, but it is a scientific gold mine, full of new and wildly different species of flora and fauna. The BES exists to categorize these new species and publishes in the public domain in order to increase the overall understanding of natural sciences throughout the League. Turning the expedition into a joke in this way is damaging to both my credibility and that of my office. I would appreciate an immediate official retraction via the I-Space InfoFeeds, as well as in your next issue.

Regards,

Marcus Aurelius Johnson
Xenobiologist and Field Operative
League of Confederated Solar Systems Bureau of Exploratory Sciences
Triomphe
Majestique

P.S. Honestly, Terry, this is no way to act. Swamp Gonorrhoea? I don’t know where you got that. Just because I missed a date and forgot to call you the last time I was on New Plymouth is no reason to tell every single reader you have on every planet in the League that I came down with a full-body case of swamp clap on my last assignment. Winston’s my friend, but he’s a joker who’s never forgiven me for dropping out to work for the Bureau. You’re only feeding his ego and helping him continue to punish me for leaving his doctoral program for a government job. Don’t believe a word he says. I’ll make it up to you the next time I’m there. Dinner at that Namoran seafood place you like on the promenade, you have my word.

Just because I missed a date and forgot to call you the last time I was on New Plymouth is no reason to tell every single reader you have on every planet in the League that I came down with a full-body case of swamp clap on my last assignment.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

Marcus Aurelius Johnson is a Xenobiologist employed by the Bureau of Exploratory Sciences, a government research department of the League of Confederated Solar Systems based in the capitol of Triomphe on planet Majestique. He graduated with a Master’s Degree from the Athena Institute on his homeworld of Helia Tertia.

James A. Conan is a 25-year old chef and writer living in Toronto, currently seeking representation for his first novel. He studied politics and international development at Trent University.

Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at www.scarlettohairdye.com.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged James A. Conan, M.A. Johnson, Pathology, Scarlett O'Hairdye, Virology, Xenobiology | Comments Off

New Short Story Collection by Zach Bartlett

Posted on August 11, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

Mad Scientist Journal contributor Zach Bartlett has put out a collection of his short humor titled Northern Dandy. If you’re in New Orleans, you can buy a copy from Maple Street Book Shop or anywhere Zach happens to be performing. Everyone else can pick up a copy through IndieBound, Barnes & Noble, or Amazon.

Is it good? Here’s what others have said:
“Wit, humor, a compassionate mature view of sexuality and masculinity.”
-Geoff Munsterman, poet, editor & bookbinder of Next Left Press.

“Please keep making passion filled nerdy work.”
-Kataalyst Alcindor, nationally-renowned slam poet.

Posted in Mad Scientist News | Tagged Pimping, Zach Bartlett | Comments Off

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Volcano

Posted on August 8, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

A letter by Dr. Elizabeth Chu, as provided by Alanna McFall
Art by Leigh Legler

To my dark and illustrious overlord Dr. Von Lupe,

I hope that this missive finds you in the best of health and fortune. I was just telling my colleague Dr. Quinn that you looked particularly intimidating in your last broadcast to the collected minion forces. You can verify that with her as a fact, and punish her severely if she tells treacherous lies about me.

The experiments with the cephalopods continue to go swimmingly, if you will forgive the pun (I beg that you forgive the pun). More and more of the squid are showing the accelerated intelligence of subject SQ-2651, or “Suzie Q,” who continues to be our prized pupil. Enclosed with this letter is a hat that she crocheted specially for you with her own tentacles. I think you will find it to be, scientifically speaking, the cutest thing you have ever seen. But I am veering away from the point of my letter.

You must be very well aware, my master and provider in all things, that I am an incredibly well-educated woman with a wide range of scientific skills. I possess two doctorates, one in marine biology and one in neuroscience, and a master’s degree in animal behavior (and in the spirit of complete transparency, a bachelor’s degree in poetry; my younger years were somewhat tumultuous). Dr. Quinn received her PhD in marine biology as well and holds a master’s in linguistics. For the task of breeding hyper-intelligent giant squid and teaching them to understand English, you could not find two more suited individuals; I am certain that these reasons are why you had us both so considerately kidnapped and held for your obscure and shadowy purposes. But, I am sorry to have to tell your magnificent self, neither Dr. Quinn nor I are educated in the sciences of geology. And I believe that we are unsuited to your demands that we create a machine that would allow you to control volcanoes.

I can see where the confusion might arise, sir, as we are both esteemed scientists with multiple degrees. But I am afraid that we have not pursued such multi-disciplinary paths in life as to have studied both the brain patterns of select breeds of squid and the seismic potential of molten rock and how best to harness that power for human purposes. The fact that Dr. Quinn has studied linguistics is already kind of a lucky break, in terms of breadth of study. If I may make a suggestion, from my position as an insignificant peon, you would be best served looking at a pool of trained geologists first. There is also a discipline called “volcanology” that is specific to the study of volcanoes. Volcanologists, seismologists, physicists, geological engineers to build the doomsday device itself; all of these options would be preferable to setting marine biologists to the task. In all honesty, my knowledge of rocks begins and ends at the proper gravel to put in a fish tank.

But, I am sorry to have to tell your magnificent self, neither Dr. Quinn nor I are educated in the sciences of geology. And I believe that we are unsuited to your demands that we create a machine that would allow you to control volcanoes.

I am sorry to have to tell you all this, and I hope that you will not interpret this concern as my attempt to be lazy or pass off my work to others. I know that you have declared yourself to be a “Doctor of the Obscure Sciences and Dark Arts.” That is a very honorable title, and I am sure that the secret institution that gave you that degree gifted you with a wide breadth of very extensive knowledge and an enviable lack of specialization. But for most people looking to pursue the sciences, with brains lacking the might and omnipotence of yours, they narrow their studies to one discipline, and narrow it even more the higher they go in their education. This must seem archaic to one so enlightened as you, but I must confess that it is very common among the rest of the people that make up the world.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2016 collection.

There is still a troubling lack of leads in the case of Dr. Elizabeth Chu, who disappeared while on vacation near the Ural Mountains nearly nine months ago. One of the world’s leading experts on invertebrate biology and cephalopod intelligence, Dr. Chu was on the cutting edge of marine biology research and her absence is distinctly felt in her field. Any information regarding the location of Dr. Chu should be brought to the appropriate authorities immediately.

Alanna McFall is an upcoming science fiction and fantasy writer. She has worked in a variety of mediums, from short stories to novels to audio scripts, and across a range of locations, stretching the span of the country from New York to Minnesota to California. She is always looking for ways to expand her repertoire and get involved in her next project. Follow her work on Twitter at @AlannaMcFall, or on her website, alannamcfall.wordpress.com.

Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.

Posted in Fiction | Tagged Alanna McFall, Elizabeth Chu, Epistolary, Genetic Engineering, Humor, Leigh Legler, Volcanology | Comments Off

Audio Version of Story by Dusty Wallace

Posted on August 4, 2016 by Mad Scientist Journal

Dusty Wallace is a regular at Mad Scientist Journal. His story, “Not Even a Whimper,” first appeared in our apocalyptic anthology, Selfies from the End of the World. It’s one of our favorites, and it’s now available in audio format on The Overcast podcast. Click here to listen to Dusty’s story.

If you like the podcast, The Peoples Ink has 34 more episodes for you to check out.

If you like the story, you can also read it in print with 22 other stories in Selfies from the End of the World.

Posted in Mad Scientist News | Tagged Dusty Wallace, Pimping, Selfies from the End of the World | Comments Off

Mad Scientist Journal

Reflections on a Void

The Werner and Chalsky Event

Mad Scientists in SFWA Promoted Kickstarter!

Observations of Life Contraction

Anax Britannica

That Man Behind the Curtain: July 2016

Love Bites

New Short Story Collection by Zach Bartlett

To Dr. Von Lupe, Concerning the Volcano

Audio Version of Story by Dusty Wallace

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