Review of Kill the Farm Boy by Delilah S. Dawson and Kevin Hearne

Cover art for Kill the Farm BoyA review by Amanda Cherry


Kill the Farm Boy is the cure for every fantasy book that ever took itself too seriously.

From the moment we meet Farm Boy Worstley and hear his tale of woe, and are then introduced to Gustave, Worstley’s copiously defecating goat compatriot, it’s clear that Kill the Farm Boy won’t be a run-of-the-mill hero’s journey. When a very unconventional pixie visits the two and sets them on the kind of noble quest I thought I recognized, hilarity immediately ensued. I was more than ready to follow the two unlikely heroes wherever their quest may lead.

I was not disappointed.

If you have ever rolled your eyes at the execution of a fantasy trope, Kill the Farm Boy will have you giggling at the same. From the Rogue who’s peculiar about chickens to the Dark Lord’s fondness for jam, the delightful trope-turned-on-its-ear moments abound. Although characters are introduced much as they would be in any epic fantasy, Kill the Farm Boy is full of delicious surprises—the kind I can usually only hope to find in a brilliantly improvised game of D&D run by one of my very best friends. In Kill the Farm Boy, no convention is safe. Nothing is sacred—especially not reader expectations!

This book is FUN to read.

However, it wasn’t only my amusement that kept me turning pages (make no mistake, though—I was constantly and thoroughly amused!). I found myself truly sucked in to the story and itching to see what would happen next. The characters, as quirky and magical as they are, come across as whole and complex people. I genuinely cared about their safety and happiness, which is quite a feat in a book so over the top in its over-the-top-ness. The romance in particular (no, I won’t spoil it for you!) had me all aflutter and rooting hard for its success.

The story and the characters are engaging and delightful, and even the writing itself adds to the brilliance that makes Kill the Farm Boy stand out in my mind. At times the prose is so purple it calls itself out, and at others the language is effortless, straightforward, and conversational. What is most remarkable to me is how the authors are able to transition between the two without interrupting the reader’s experience of the story. It just works. The ebb and flow of styles within the narrative are as intrinsic to the land of Pell as magic and goat droppings.

And the puns…! How do I even begin to describe the puns? Kill the Farm Boy is chock full of puns so masterful I didn’t always catch that they were puns (read the book and then come talk to me about Grinda’s title)! As someone who is more likely to groan at a pun than to chuckle, I found the cleverness and thoughtfulness of the puns in this book really added to the overall tone of lightheartedness and joyful absurdity.

It all fits and flows and comes together in a seamless, joyful volume of trope-busting merriment.

The book’s editor refers to Kill the Farm Boy as being “marvelously silly” and I would have to agree—emphasis on “marvelous”. Silliness isn’t usually my thing, but Kill the Farm Boy won me over with its wit, its uniqueness, and its gleeful commitment to bucking expectations at every turn. The ability to craft a pastiche so sophisticated and yet so approachable is a testament to the mastery both Dawson and Hearne possess as authors. I was, and am, quite impressed.

I was excited to hear there are more adventures awaiting us in the land of Pell, and I strongly recommend you hop on this one right away! Kill the Farm Boy is available for pre-order now via Amazon or through your favorite local retailer. It releases everywhere July 17, 2018.

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A Gift for Michael

An essay by Doctor Veronica West, as provided by Maureen Bowden
Art by Leigh Legler


Lucas Vale, the most talented artist to emerge in over a century, was twenty years old and dying. He lay back against his propped-up pillows, eyes sunken in his pale face, his lips tinged blue. “This is for you, Doc,” he said, tearing a page from his sketchpad and handing it to me. “It’ll be worth a stack of cash when I shuffle off the old mortal coil.”

“Thank you,” I said, “but don’t start giving away your masterpieces just yet. There’s still time for me to find you a compatible donor heart, and the transplant team is on standby.”

He laughed, a hollow, breathless rattle. “I know you hate to lose a patient, lovely Veronica, but we both know that’s a pretty lie. Take the doodle and call it your retirement fund.”

The drawing showed a young man hanging by his fingertips from a crumbling cliff face. It was a self-portrait. Like all Lucas’s work, it was perfectly executed and strikingly beautiful. It was also disturbing, with a coldness that repulsed me. It lacked heart. I took it back to my office and shoved it underneath a pile of medical journals in my desk’s dungeon dimensions, where I wouldn’t have to look at it.

I called my secretary. “I don’t want to be disturbed, Saffron. Keep the world at bay for an hour or so.”

“No prob, Doc,” she said.

“And get rid of your chewing gum.”

The hospital administrators disapproved of Saffron Kray as my choice of secretary, but she was good at her job and that was all that concerned me. I wasn’t deterred by her spiky, blue hair, nose piercing, and the tattoo of a serpent twined around her left wrist, swallowing its own tail. “It’s the Worm Ouroboros,” she informed me during her job interview.

“Really?” I said. “I wouldn’t have slept tonight without knowing that.” She was unmoved by irony. I liked her, and I gave her the job.

With my tattooed guard-dog on duty at my door, I left my desk, reclined on the couch in the window recess, and thought about Lucas. His mother had abandoned him when he was six months old, and he was placed in the care system. If a short-term foster carer had not recognised his great talent, he would have had few prospects except a life of poverty and petty crime. He was now the darling of the art world, but his future was about to be snatched from him by a dysfunctional heart. I railed against life’s cruelty. “If anyone can provide me with a miracle,” I said to the universe in general, “now is the time.” I closed my eyes and indulged in the closest I’d ever come to praying.

Art for "A Gift for Michael"

Of course I remembered him. How could I forget the boy with two hearts?


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2018 collection.


Doctor Veronica West is an eminent cardio-vascular surgeon, recognised as the best in her field. In 2017, she was awarded the OBE for her innovations in heart transplant techniques. Her portrait, by world famous artist Lucas Michael Vale, hangs in London’s National Portrait Gallery. It shows an elegant, middle-aged woman, holding a heart in her outstretched palm.


Maureen Bowden is a Liverpudlian living with her musician husband in North Wales. She has had ninety-three stories and poems accepted for publication by paying markets. Silver Pen publishers nominated one of her stories for the 2015 international Pushcart Prize. She also writes song lyrics, mostly comic political satire, set to traditional melodies. Her husband has performed these in Folk clubs throughout England and Wales. She loves her family and friends, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Shakespeare, and cats.


Leigh’s professional title is “illustrator,” but that’s just a nice word for “monster-maker,” in this case. More information about them can be found at http://leighlegler.carbonmade.com/.


“A Gift for Michael” is © 2018 Maureen Bowden
Art accompanying story is © 2018 Leigh Legler

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Strange Science: The Secrets of Alchemy

A chemist at Johns Hopkins University is working to decipher alchemical formulas to determine what secrets alchemists might have once known that have been lost to time.

While alchemy may seem like pseudoscience to some, Lawrence Principe has set about recreating some alchemical formulas, reaching the results that alchemists did. Part of the trick is that the information that is recorded in these formulas is not always complete, so Principe has to read between the lines and fill in the gaps that are missing from the formulas. In doing so, he has been able to turn gold into a vapor, create white lead, and make a stone glow in the dark.

To learn more about Principe and his studied, check out this article!

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On Kickstarter: Further Vol. 1

Teaser art for FurtherHere at Mad Scientist Journal, we’re big fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, so finding a comic that’s noted as “Buffy the Vampire Slayer (except without any characters you’d feel confident in trusting with supernatural disaster.)”, we’re definitely interested!

Further is a dramedy comic featuring a couple of teenage protagonists getting to the bottom of weird stuff in their hometown, even though they’d rather be doing anything but that!

The Kickstarter for Further runs through July 22nd, and as of this writing, they’re well on track to meet their funding goal. But if this sounds like the sort of comic that you’d like to read, you can pledge to the Kickstarter!

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Lonely Heart

An Article from the November Issue of The Tri-County News by Luella Mason, as provided by Kathryn Yelinek
Art by America Jones


What do you do when you find a beating heart under your lilac bush?

This question confronted Emmeline Harris, 32, of Tomtetown, in April.

“I could tell it was alive,” Ms. Emmeline says, pushing aside her kitchen curtains to point out where she made her discovery. “It was shuffling around in the leaves, beating. And it had little legs on the bottom, like in a cartoon. I thought it was a toy at first, but it felt real. And it was shivering. Poor thing, all alone in the world.”

So what did she do with the heart under her lilac bush?

Ms. Emmeline laughs. “I tucked it in an old cardboard box with a blanket and a hot water bottle. Then I called my sister.”

Zora Harris, 34, Fayetteburgh, works at the Tri-County Animal Hospital and is a certified wildlife rehabilitator.

“I’d never gotten a call like that before.” She grins at her sister. “I thought Emmeline had sunstroke.”

Still, Ms. Zora drove to her sister’s house. “Made the trip four minutes faster than usual.”

The trip was worth it.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Ms. Zora says. “It was on the kitchen table, in a box next to the mail. A living, beating human heart.”

Art for "Lonely Heart"

“I don’t know which it craved more–the food or the attention. After each feeding, it would come over, snuggle up to you like a kitten. That was sweet.”


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2018 collection.


Luella Mason’s family has lived in Tomtetown since 1689. She shares her two-hundred-year-old farmhouse with her husband, four cats, and a three-legged Pomeranian. After spending twenty-five years as an elementary school teacher, she began her new career as a writer for The Tri-County News.


Kathryn Yelinek lives in Pennsylvania, where she works as a librarian. She is a graduate of the Odyssey Writing Workshop. Her fiction has appeared in Daily Science FictionNewMyths.comMetaphorosis, and Deep Magic, among others. Visit her online at kathrynyelinek.com.


AJ is an illustrator and comic artist with a passion for neon colors and queer culture. Catch them being antisocial on social media @thehauntedboy.


“Loney Heart” is © 2018 Kathryn Yelinek
Art accompanying story is © 2018 America Jones

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Strange Science: Sleeping Trees

By surveying trees via a 3-D technique known as terrestrial laser scanning, scientists have determined that trees have sleep cycles.

These sleep cycles have to do with the transport of water from the ground into the leaves, something that was previously believed to be a constant process. However, these Danish and Hungarian scientists have determined that there is short-term change in water transport, which makes the trees move, sometimes up to 10 centimeters.

These tree studies have been going on for some time, and you can read more about them in this 2016 article and this more recent article!

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That Man Behind the Curtain: May 2018

Photo of name tags and books.

Dawn and Jeremy at an author event at Brick & Mortar Books.

May was mostly focused on finishing review of submissions for Battling in All Her Finery and getting the Summer 2018 quarterly together. Otherwise it was a pretty slow month in many ways.

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.
Web Resources: (-$17.06)
Stories: (-$90.00)
Art: (-$360.01)
Advertising: (-$109.83)
Processing Fees: (-$6.09)
Printing: (-$19.26)
Donations: $86.71
Online Book Sales: $23.28

Total: (-$492.26)
QTD: (-$503.82)
YTD: (-$891.02)
All Time: (-$24,628.95)

As usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. (This does not apply to special content for quarterlies, which does not have a specific month associated with it.) Sales are for sales when they take place, not when they’re actually paid out to me. Online book sales reflect the royalties given after the retailer takes their cut. Physical book sales represent gross income, not counting the cost of the physical book. Donations include Patreon as well as other money sent to us outside of standard sales.

Printing costs for last month were for printing and rushing a proof copy of Summer 2018. Twice.

We didn’t have any conventions and sales were slow online. So not a lot of income this month.

Submissions

We were closed to submissions in May. Our all time acceptance rate is 36.4%.

Followers

Below is the social media following we had at the end of May.

Patreon: 29 (-1)

Facebook: 1,974 (+77)

Twitter: 611 (+4)

Tumblr: 306 (+4)

Mailing List: 146 (+13)

Google+: 65 (+0)

Instagram: 117 (+11)

Traffic

Last three months:

May 2018: 1,713 visits, 1,353 users, 2,512 page views, peak peak day of 82.
April 2018: 2,256 visits, 1,500 users, 3,871 page views, peak day of 110.
March 2018: 2,527 visits, 1,840 users, 3,616 page views, peak day of 217.

Last three Mays:

May 2017: 1,058 visits, 731 users, 1,865 pages views, peak day of 60 visits.
May 2016: 851 visits, 632 users, 1,408 page views, peak day of 55 visits.
May 2015: 1,467 visits, 1,097 users, 2,473 page views, peak day of 120 visits.

Slight drop in traffic since the call for submissions has ended. Because of the change in privacy policy, Google Analytics doesn’t have numbers from 2015. The numbers listed above are what I reported in the behind the scenes post from that year, but this was before I discovered that some of my traffic reporting was bogus due to weird spamming attempts.

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Review of Glass and Gardens: Solarpunk Summers

Cover art for Glass and GardensGlass and Gardens: Solarpunk Summers, edited by Sarena Ulibarri (World Weaver Press, 2018), is a collection of 17 solarpunk short stories, which World Weaver Press defines as “a type of optimistic science fiction that imagines a future founded on renewable energies.” Even within that scope, the anthology presents a wide array of stories with diverse characters.

Many of the stories in this anthology are young adult friendly, with a sizable number featuring young protagonists. There are also a handful of stories with older women as the protagonists, which is a refreshing change from so much fiction that doesn’t consider older women as appropriate protagonists.

Unsurprisingly, several of my favorite stories in the anthology were the ones with the younger protagonists. “Riot of the Wind and Sun” by Jennifer Lee Rossman is a delightful story of teenage girls who really want their favorite band to show up in their middle-of-nowhere town, and figure out a way to make it happen. “Cable Town Delivery” by M. Lopes da Silva features two different protagonists, one young and one older, and winds up being a lovely story about heroic librarians and kites.

Some of the stories are notable for the way they play with the world, language, or the theme. “Fyrewall” by Stefani Cox features a neat blend of technology with natural symbiosis. Blake Jessop’s “New Siberia” is gorgeously poetic and loses none of its strength as a story to the flowery language. And “Grover: Case #C09 920, ‘The Most Dangerous Blend'” by Edward Edmonds gets a full on nearly noir murder mystery into the solarpunk theme.

I’m always a fan of anthologies, because short stories are a great way to experience a lot of authors at once. If you like your science fiction and fantasy with a hopeful outlook and a diverse cast of characters, you’re likely to find many of the stories in Glass and Gardens to your liking!

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Now Available: Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2018

Cover art for Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2018Familial love, giant death bees, and notes for teaching assistants. These are but some of the strange tales to be found in this book.

Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2018 collects thirteen tales from the fictional worlds of mad science. For the discerning mad scientist reader, there are also pieces of fiction from Maureen Bowden, Judith Field, and Sandy Dee Hall. Readers will also find other resources for the budding mad scientist, including an advice column, gossip column, and other brief messages from mad scientists.

Authors featured in this volume also include Michael Hobbs, Kathryn Yelinek, Chris Walker, Paul Alex Gray, Teo Yi Han, Shelly Jasperson, Brandon Nolta, Lucas Leery, Chris Aldridge, Julia K. Patt, K. Tracy-Lee, Tom Lund, Andrew Openshaw, Joachim Heijndermans, Kevin Holton, Linda M. Crate, Lucinda Gunnin, and Sean Frost. Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye, A. Jones, Leigh Legler, Errow Collins, Luke Spooner, Ariel Alian Wilson, Dawn Vogel, and Justine McGreevy.

Buy it now at:

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Confessions of a Mycologist

An essay by Maria Leticia Gonzalez Santos, as provided by Katherine Cowley
Art by Liz Argall


In my defense, I was trying to save the planet.

A group of graduate students discovered a fungus in the Amazon that could digest polyurethane. Instead of sitting in a garbage dump for hundreds or thousands of years, tennis shoes, foam, and insulation could decompose rapidly. Naturally, I wasn’t satisfied with a fungus that could digest only one type of plastic. Some have called it hubris, others, my fatal flaw. And perhaps my thirst for tenure overtook my sense. But what mycologist wouldn’t want to modify the fungus so it could digest other plastics as well?

Through a multi-university research partnership, I received samples of the original fungus, Pestalotiopsis microspore. By the time I finished my genetic modifications, my fungus could digest almost any synthetic polymer. Polyester, acrylics, silicone–you name it, my fungus could handle it. Its mottled white coloration reminded me of the moon, and it had an almost hairy texture, so I lovingly gave my new fungus the common name of moonhair.

Imagine the excitement of the scientific community. People wouldn’t have to change their habits or “go green.” Consume your 300 or 400 pounds of plastic a year, send it to the landfill, and moonhair would take care of it for you. My fungus didn’t even require air or sunlight.

Those were the good days, when I was respected for my work. Every scientist deserves respect. Of course, I wasn’t expecting reverence. Frankly, I was abashed when the covers of national magazines compared me to the Virgin Mother. I suppose the parallels were inevitable: my name is Maria Santos–Saint Mary–I saved the world with the birth of my fungus, and no man was involved in the fertilization of my ideas.

Three years later, the United Nations declared the creation of moonhair an act of biological warfare. Rather than be tried for crimes against humanity, I went into hiding.

Art for "Confessions of a Mycologist"

I would like to point out that originally it was not a flesh-eating fungus.


To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2018 collection.


Maria Leticia Gonzalez Santos is a former university researcher, dedicated and devoted to doing whatever it takes to improve the world. Her current location cannot be revealed, in the interest of protecting those who have sheltered her.


Katherine Cowley loves European chocolate, the history of science, and steampunk fashion. She has worked as a documentary film producer, a radio producer, and a college writing professor. Her short stories have appeared in Steel and Bone, Segullah, Defenestration, and 365 Tomorrows. She lives in Michigan with her husband and three daughters. You can read many of her stories on katherinecowley.com.


Liz Argall is a speculative fiction author and creator of the all ages webcomics series, Things Without Arms and Without Legs, a comic about creatures who are kind http://www.thingswithout.com/. She lives in Seattle, but her heart misses the big silly birds of Australia.


“Confessions of a Mycologist” is © 2018 Katherine Cowley
Art accompanying story is © 2018 Liz Argall

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