An essay by Dr. A. Cula and A. B. Positive
Reprinted from Hemophagy Today
Brought to our attention by E. B. Fischadler
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye
For some time now, ballooning baby boomers, ever expanding gen-xers, self-absorbed millennials, and others have been obsessed with various diets such as the Atkins diet, the carbo diet, and the paleo diet. Many of these are aimed at improving health through weight loss or by avoiding food components believed to be harmful to health. Last Monday morning, after taking his daughter to see Twilight, a movie about modern day vampires, a colleague asked if the vampire diet is healthy. Could a vampire subsist entirely on human blood? Several species, including leeches, vampire bats, and many insects subsist on a diet consisting entirely of blood. But could vampires?
At first, it might appear that vampires, as a group, have significant health problems. They are all extremely pallid, suffer photophobia,[1] and speak with strange accents. On the other hand, examples of vampires living for centuries appear in the literature.[2] The literature also suggests that people, particularly attractive females with a normal life expectancy, become immortal upon switching to a blood diet.[3] So it is possible that a diet of human blood contributes to long life with some undesirable side effects.
Variety
One hallmark of a good diet is variety. It is well established that a diet consisting entirely of a single food will result in malnutrition, unless boredom kills the dieter first. While a blood diet might seem to include no variety whatsoever, there are in fact, eight varieties of blood based on the content of certain proteins: Type A, B, O, and AB, and each type has two subtypes: Rh positive and Rh negative. In addition, there are blue bloods, truebloods, halfbloods, warm-blooded lovers, and cold-blooded murderers. Strauss, the waltz king, even wrote a piece about the blood diet.[4] Thus, the blood diet does offer significant variety.
Mineral and Nutrient Content
The blood diet is certainly high in iron. Ironically, while iron is generally accepted as the cause for sanguine appearance,[5] those on a blood diet are extremely pale. Arterial blood also carries nutrients to cells throughout the body.
Posing as a blood bank, they gather blood from healthy donors, type it, and classify the blood according to taste. Some of their better known products include blood pudding and blutwurst, while their bar features several variations on the Bloody Mary.
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NOTES:
[1] Photophobia is defined as the fear of light. Perhaps a better description might be solarphobia or diurnophobia, as vampires dread daylight and do just fine by candlelight.
[2] Stoker, B., Dracula.
[3] More importantly, they keep their good looks and change their attire to diaphonous gowns.
[4] “Wiener Blut,” literally Viennese Blood. In particular, listen to the version recorded by the King’s Singers.
[5] Look at the guy who appears on a bottle of Beefeater gin.
To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2017 collection.
Dr. A. Cula is a physician certified in phlebotomy and vascular surgery. He is often confused with a Romanian Count.
A. B. Positive is a highly receptive individual coming from a long bloodline.
E. B. Fischadler has been writing short stories for several years, and has recently begun publishing. His stories have appeared in Mad Scientist Journal, Bewildering Stories, eFiction, Voluted Tales, Beyond Imagination Literary Magazine, and Beyond Science Fiction. In addition to fiction, Fischadler has published over 30 papers in refereed scientific journals, as well as a chapter of a textbook on satellite engineering. When he is not writing, he pursues a career in engineering and serves his community as an EMT. Fischadler continues to write short stories and is working on a novel about a naval surgeon. You can learn more about Fischadler and access his other publications at: http://ebfischadler.wordpress.com/
Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at www.scarlettohairdye.com.
“Is the Vampire Diet Healthy?” is © 2017 E. B. Fischadler
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Scarlett O’Hairdye
