An essay by Cindy Tan Mei Quan, as provided by E. R. Zhang
Art by Ariel Alian Wilson
Dimensional Pests, the entities we all love to hate. Who hasn’t had an incident with these little big critters popping up through inter-dimensional portals from time to time? In fact, according to the Interplanetary Scientist Association, there has been a 1802% rise in Dimensional Pests related incidents ever since the ESA started their space-time program! One of the interns in our office was just grabbed the other day when they were trying to do some cloning. Fortunately for us, their cloning was a success, so we don’t need to look for a new intern. However, filling out the paperwork was a nightmare! We had to inform HR that Intern Hacy would replace Intern Hacy because Intern Hacy was taken to another dimension. I still wonder if Intern Hacy’s family noticed anything. We don’t think they will, because Intern Hacy’s really good at cloning themselves.
Anyway, if you’re tired of having beakers grabbed or your experiments ruined, or just exhausted from having your mind ripped apart and put together because you’re unable to comprehend the logistics of inter-dimensional travel, we have some solutions for you!
~
Aunty Ching’s Dimension Sealer
Jacinta Loqman at Venus’s Pest Control Headquarters swears by this sealant in a can. VPC has been using this sealant for almost two decades. The formula, jealously guarded by Ching Huai Meng of Ching Industry, is guaranteed to seal up any rifts that occur in your laboratory. We tried it out on the rift in the parking lot earlier, and there really is a reason why it’s one of the better commercial sealants on the market. At only 13.99 credits per 500 mL bottle, it really packs a punch! However, there is the problem of having a giant sealed floating fluorescent purple portal hanging around in the parking lot while it slowly closes. The purple is a bit of an eyesore, but the instructions recommend using a visible sealant for high-traffic areas so that people don’t accidentally hit the sealed portal. You should know that you need to seal the portal before the Pests come through, otherwise you’ll be stuck with Dimensional Pests on your hands anyway! Aunty Ching’s Dimension Sealer comes in six different colours, as well as “Refraction”, which is really just a fancy way of saying it refracts the surroundings so the sealed rift blends in to its environment. Nifty!
A pest repellant sold right next to the Dimension Insulators in Plutomarts everywhere, DP-B-Gone comes in a diffuser form. Simply stick it onto your lab walls and set the timer. The diffuser will release a puff of pungent fumes at different intervals, guaranteed to chase pests away.
To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2017 collection.
Cindy Tan Mei Quan (M. Sc. Material Science, Terran University of Unconventional Science) is a senior researcher and reviewer at SciComm Intergalatic, the biggest intergalactic scientist network. If you have a product or service that you want reviewed, please don’t hesitate to contact her at cindytanmeiquan@scicommintergalactic.com.
E. R. Zhang is a postgraduate student trying to understand and prevent the impending bananapocalypse. They love the smell of freshly autoclaved agar in the morning and hate when kits get stuck at customs. Talk science to them at irokonijinchou@gmail.com.
Ariel Alian Wilson is a few things: artist, writer, gamer, and role-player. Having dabbled in a few different art mediums, Ariel has been drawing since she was small, having always held a passion for it. She’s always juggling numerous projects. She currently lives in Seattle with her cat, Persephone. You can find doodles, sketches, and more at her blog www.winndycakesart.tumblr.com.
“5 Ways to Prevent Dimensional Pests” is © 2017 E. R. Zhang
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Ariel Alian Wilson.
