Advice from Professor Swick, as provided by Adam Millard
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye
My name, if you are not from the scientific community or a member of The Society of Mad Professors, is Professor Swick, and I am one of the greatest minds ever to grace the earth. I am the brains behind such intricate inventions as the clockwork bumblebee, and that thing that you use to separate toes for pedicures, that was one of mine, too. I am also responsible for the cyborg known as Justin Bieber, but that is one that I am not particularly proud of, and the less said about it the better.
This article is about electricity, and how to survive it, which is something that I, Professor Swick, have so far managed to do, although I have had many close shaves, some of which will help me to explain further what you should and shouldn’t do when electricity is involved.
The first thing, of course, is take a bath. I was informed by my colleagues at the Institute of Crazy Inventors that my invention, the Thousand Volt Bath Duck, had passed the strict tests required by all inventions, and that it was perfectly safe for use in the tub. Imagine my shock, if you can, when I suddenly found myself singed to a crisp in a bathtub of liquid-lava. Thankfully, I am the inventor behind the Skin-Graft-O-Matic, which was lucky for me.
So rule number one, never mix water with electricity, no matter what. I am wary of all creations which profess a harmony between the two elements, which is the main reason why I have yet to purchase a Fishborg or, perhaps the most dangerous and life-threatening invention ever, the household dishwasher.
To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2013 collection.
Professor Trevor Swick is an active member of The Society of Mad Professors and the Institute of Crazy Inventors. He is perhaps best known for his string of failures, including the Nuclear-powered curling-tongs and the No-light light-bulb. Professor Swick attended school, or at least the first two years of it, at Birmingham, West Midlands. He is currently working on a cog-cyborg called Lady Gaga, which should be finished and ready to take over the world by 2011. Swick lives with his wife, his ever-expanding child, Hans, and his two dogs, Mozart and Elton, named after his two favourite composers.
Adam Millard is the author of thirteen novels and more than a hundred short stories, which can be found in various collections and anthologies. Probably best known for his post-apocalyptic fiction, Adam also writes fantasy/horror for children. He created the character Peter Crombie, Teenage Zombie just so he had something decent to read to his son at bedtime. Adam also writes Bizarro fiction for several publishers, who enjoy his tales of flesh-eating clown-beetles and rabies-infected derrieres so much that they keep printing them. His “Dead” series has recently been the filling in a Stephen King/Bram Stoker sandwich on Amazon’s bestsellers chart. Adam has recently sold the translation rights to a German publisher for his Dead series. When he’s not writing about the nightmarish creatures battling for supremacy in his head, Adam writes for This Is Horror, whose columnists include Shaun Hutson, Simon Bestwick, and Simon Marshall-Jones.
Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at www.scarlettohairdye.com.