Corpse Interred in Mozart’s Tomb Might Not Be Mozart, Authorities Say

An essay by Dr. Mafilia Malavoz, as provided by Diana Parparita
Art by Justine McGreevy


When cloning the dead by using bone matter became a reality–a process known as “creating a monozygous twin”–many thought of bringing the illustrious dead back to life so they could continue their work and bring us a wealth of new masterpieces. The procedure has met with various degrees of success. But while Jane Austen writes depressing yet critically acclaimed novels about bitter middle-class families impoverished by the economic crisis in a dreary urban setting, and Mr. Churchill nearly plunged us into World War Three last week, the man thought to be Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart has produced nothing in his 30 years of existence.

Mr. Mozart, who was recently committed to a rehabilitation clinic following a near-deadly cocaine overdose, has been subsidized by the Austrian government since birth, receiving a steady income as part of their National Monument Preservation Program, but now authorities say his monthly allowance may be revoked. An anonymous source has informed us that after thirty years of sterile creativity, many question whether the man, nicknamed Wolfy by the general public, is indeed the clone of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart.

Corpse Interred in Mozart's Tomb Might Not Be Mozart, Authorities Say

Meanwhile, online communities report rumors that Wolfy might be the anonymous genius behind the underground internet sensation “The Death Wolves,” whose death-metal-folk-rock-screamthesizer songs are hailed by fans as better than Metallica and Rammstein’s love child, and deemed by classical music fans as worse than Metallica and Rammstein nailed together with Nine Inch Nails.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.


Dr. Mafilia Malavoz has earned public acclaim, worldwide renown, and her Ph.D. in both Journalism and Anthropology with her thesis on Gossip as the Oldest Form of Journalism. She currently lives in Washington, D.C., with her cat, goldfish, and three potted sunflowers. She knits, collects seashells, and writes articles for scientific journals in her spare time. She would love to tell you what she does for a living too, but then several foreign governments would have to kill you.


Diana Parparita has always had an interest in genetics, ever since discovering that she would have had an actual chance of being a tall and slender natural blonde with blue eyes had she not lost the genetic lottery. She comforts herself with having inherited a good brain and a tolerable dose of imagination. She lives in Bucharest, Romania, and insists upon writing in English in spite of never having traveled to an English-speaking country. She also insists on working the night shift so she can jokingly refer to writing as her “day job.”


Justine McGreevy is a slowly recovering perfectionist, writer, and artist. She creates realities to make our own seem slightly less terrifying. Her work can be viewed at http://www.behance.net/Fickle_Muse and you can follow her on Twitter @Fickle_Muse.

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That Man Behind the Curtain: November 2014

Travelling for the holidays has left me a little behind in posting this. So here’s the numbers for last month.

The Money Aspect

Amounts in parentheses are losses/expenses.
Hosting: ($17.06)
Stories: ($60.00)
Art: ($150.49)
Advertising: ($20.00)
Payment Processing Fees: ($7.16)
Donations: $42.00
Ad Revenue: $0.74
Book Sales: $152.54
Total: ($59.43)
QTD: ($437.36)
YTD: ($2,702.92)
All Time: ($10,215.49)

As per usual, I try to list costs for art and stories under the month that the stories run on the site rather than when I pay them. I also cover Paypal expenses when paying authors and artists.

Not only was this a record high in sales for us, but it’s also the closest we’ve come to breaking even. I can’t begin to convey how exciting this is for us.

Submissions

We were closed to submissions in November, so we remain at at 54.94% for all time.

Followers

Facebook: 876 (+11)
Twitter: 337 (+0)
Google+: 44 (+0)
Tumblr: 50 (+3)
Mailing List: 31 (+5)
Patreon: 6 (+0)

Traffic

November stayed steady in terms of site traffic. We had a total of 1,013 visits. Our traffic consisted of 667 users and 1,662 page views. Our highest daily traffic was 93.

This month’s search engine term is “ball tossing journals”. I didn’t know such a thing existed, but someone clearly hopes it does.

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New Fiction from Samantha Lienhard

Mad Scientist Journal alumnus Samantha Lienhard has a new horror short story titled “Rokurokubi,” which can be found in the December 2014 issue of Wicked Words Quarterly. This issue is built around the theme of Japan and its mythology. Be sure to check it out!

Wicked Words Quarterly, Issue 3

 

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The Problem with Protégés

An essay by Dr. Andre Jomes, as provided by Rob Oxley
Art by Dawn Vogel


Caution when Advancing Interns: A Personal Account
Dr. Andre Jomes, MSBS, Director of BCRR, Berry & Serg
Adrian9 Inner Cylinder Housing, Apt. 43-F
Staff and Admin Tag 373-0

You will want the right kind of person to trust with your professional legacy–someone sharp and tactful, fluid, able to conform to whatever dilemmas your particular field may encounter, but also self-sufficient enough to think for themselves. A careful amalgam of independence and loyalty are required to mold a worthy protégé. You’ll need to give them freedom–but not too much. Give the wrong underling the right amount of VFD cable and they may unwittingly jam it into your A5-5 receptacle and fry you with it.

I found this out first hand my second year as Director for Berry & Serg’s LIP bio-engineering program, with a cretin I had considered my finest protégé who’d later be remembered as my greatest blunder.

Dr. Tibbons nearly brought down a decade’s progress with the most obscure device imaginable: a piece of GMO fruit. Hard to believe, but he almost did it. So, as a warning to all who may be considering graduating their finest pupil to the next stage of protégé, I will give you the gist of that day thirty years past. That was so long ago–I’d not yet perfected our reverse-aging serum. Physically I was a graying man then, and more than likely starting to gray a bit mentally even–

I’ll blame those failing synapses for my lack of foresight to Tibbons’ actions.

#

I passed through the initial security portal, twenty young representatives in tow. Our group advanced through the second portal–followed by a third (which really was unnecessary, security-wise, but had been installed the week before to reinforce the impression of control and safety for this particular tour).

After all of the clearances had been approved and the strength of the facility’s security clearly demonstrated, we arrived at the first viewing area.

I remember anxiety settling over me then–the people standing behind me were proxies for our largest clients and investors. I glanced at my finest intern and protégé behind the crowd, Dr. Hal Tibbons, and the spry young man reassured me with a subtle, enthusiastic nod. Tibbons had that special kind of supportive aura–I instantly felt more confident.

“We are so pleased to bring you all here today,” I began. “It is our pleasure to give you this first look at our latest models, and showcase the exciting progress our firm has made in recent months.”

As practiced, Tibbons pressed the strip on the wall, and the large shield that covered the first exhibit slid silently into the wall.

Inside the room was a massive creature perched on a set of wide beams. At first glance, it would have appeared to be a common simian–but then one noticed the triangular ears and slitted eyes that are traits not natural to primates.

“This is Thomas,” I explained, “and he is one of the first in our latest bio-military line.”

The group was awestruck, and they goggled at the daunting sight of Thomas as I continued. “Thomas is our prototype ‘jagrilla,’ as we call them, nicknamed for the near-equal splice of Peruvian jaguar and eastern lowland gorilla.”

“Is that all? There seems to be … something more,” interrupted a young rep.

He was referring to Thomas’s eyes, of course.

“Well, we did add a bit of pit viper,” I confided with an air of secrecy, “to achieve a certain … temperament.”

The group chuckled, and I finally allowed myself to relax.

The Problem with Protégés

“What’s this now? You mean the applemons?” Tibbons inquired.
Despite Tibbons’ air of confidence, the group exchanged suspicious glances. A general sense of gloom settled over the viewing area.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.


Before his arrest and trials for crimes against nature on Earth, Dr. Andre Jomes was a celebrated biocyberneticist. For years he skirted the fringe of the altruistic Fantastic 49, though he was never actually recognized as a member. For the three decades since his banishment, Jomes has been confined to the Adrian9 solar station, but looks forward to being eligible for his Terra Visa in another two. Jomes enjoys watercolors, racketball, and surfing, and lives peacefully with his bestial companion, Thomas.


Rob Oxley recently relocated to a faraway enchanted land of lore and beauty–Montana. When he can escape conventional work, Rob perfects his fish-charming technique (with lots of colorful language and rod-throwing), speaks regularly on the modern medical advantages of cheap Scotches, and writes fiction that matches his unique perception of existence. His story “Party at the Phaedrus 5 Galleria” appears in The Glass Parachute, Villipede Publications’ SF anthology, and his gritty chempunk story “Cyborg Pajamas” can be found in Villipede’s Double Feature.


Dawn Vogel has been published as a short fiction author and an editor of both fiction and non-fiction. Although art is not her strongest suit, she’s happy to contribute occasional art to Mad Scientist Journal. By day, she edits reports for and manages an office of historians and archaeologists. In her alleged spare time, she runs a craft business and tries to find time for writing. She lives in Seattle with her awesome husband (and fellow author), Jeremy Zimmerman, and their herd of cats. For more of Dawn’s work visit http://historythatneverwas.com/

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The Nothing in the Wall

An essay by Felix Glerke, as provided by Christopher Lynch
Art by Luke Spooner


Three things run in my family: genius, instability, and unmanageable hair. The ratio of each of these to each other varies, but all three are always there. I believe that had my father had more unmanageable hair, or a less inventive barber, he would never have taken a hammer and a rail spike to his own skull and lobotomized himself whilst I was sitting on the floor in front of him, arranging my building blocks into a crude representation of DNA. Despite being less than two years old, I believe I understood what he was doing. I still wake in the night, the image of him looming over me with the hammer in his hand and the imagined warm splatter of his blood on my face fresh and vivid in my mind. My own hair, thank God, is an unholy mess and nightmares were to be the extent, for many years, of any psychosis.

Eight years after my father drove a rail spike into his own brain, he visited me at my private school. I had been there since the age of four. Contrary to popular belief, the school system is very good at noticing exceptional individuals and ensuring that they are educated somewhere where they can reach their full potential. The sad truth, for all those parents who think their gifted children are being failed by the system, is that their children just aren’t that bright. Not like me, or the other boys and girls in the special school. We were the future of everything; it stood to reason that the government would like us all in one place.

Secrecy was a part of it, of course, but as an alumnus, even a lobotomized one, my father was allowed some limited access. We walked in the grounds and I counted, with unerring accuracy, the leaves on the trees above us as I waited for his slow wits to conjure a sentence.

“Your mother is dead,” he said eventually.

“Suicide?” I asked. Mother was both brilliant and beautiful, which of course meant that she must also have been quite, quite mad.

“Yes,” he replied. He was obviously taken aback by how forward I was.

“How?” I asked.

My father frowned. I could not tell if my question displeased him or if his brow was furrowed by the effort of concentration to speak.

“Vaporised,” he said, after a short pause.

“Elegant,” was my only reply. “No mess.”

“Show me a genius, and I will show you a lonely man,” he replied sadly. His sudden candor took me by surprise, and I stopped walking, and counting, for a moment.

“I’m not sure I understand,” I said.

“I hope you never do, son.”

He left that day and was dead himself before the end of the year. I heard it involved another rail spike, but the details held little interest for me. By then I was almost eleven and hitting what I believed might be my intellectual peak. I had been recruited from my private school to be part of a top-secret government research project, and my work was everything now.

I had to know, you see, just how smart I was.

It was the only way to be sure that I wasn’t about to go mad at any moment. The cleverer I was, the saner I was, just so long as I didn’t brush my hair.

The Nothing in the Wall

“We’ve decided to close the project.”
“You can’t,” I replied, never taking my eyes off the latest set of equations that snaked up and off one of the chalkboards and across the wall. “I am so close. So close to understanding it.”

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.


Felix Glerke is the son of renowned previous contributors William Glerke and Septima Glerke.

Educated at the prestigious Warroh Academy, his earliest contribution to the scientific community was at age eight.

Holding doctorates in mathematics and physics, and winner of the heavily contested Haggerty Prize, he is currently on retreat in Brightwalls Facility for the Impaired and Maladjusted.


Chris Lynch lives and works in Cardiff with his wife, two sons, and no cats. He would have fewer cats if this were mathematically possible.

Chris wrote “The Dark” for AAM/Markosia, a graphic novel, and co-created the seminal UK horror anthology Monkeys with Machineguns. Chris also edited the Red Cross genre-fiction charity anthology Hammer of Time.

Chris has also written for a number of UK and US publications including work for The Judge Dredd Megazine, Arcana, Metaverse, The Psychedelic Journal of Time Travel, 2026 Books, Accent UK, Something Wicked, The Sorrow, and Insomnia Publications.


Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

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Sand

Diary entries by Dr. Algernon P. Lewis, as provided by Samantha Lienhard
Art by Katie Nyborg


May 17:

It doesn’t feel right to go on vacation. I mean, a day off here or there is fine, but nothing longer. But if it will make James stop bugging me, it’s worth it. “You’re overworked,” he said. “You’re stressed.”

The only thing stressing me is the thought of going on vacation.

Worse yet, my boss said, “You’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, Mr. Lewis. Some time off would do you good. In fact, I think a week’s vacation is in order. Consider it done.”

A whole week?!

Well, I’ll just have to make the best of it. No one can tell me what to do with my vacation. Maybe I can take care of some research at home.

#

May 18:

First day of vacation. I woke up at 6 AM and didn’t know what to do with myself after breakfast, but then I remembered I’ve been meaning to clean out the attic. While I was cleaning, I found an old book buried in a pile of junk. I scanned the first few pages and brought it downstairs for further study. It’s about the Anaian civilization!

The title and author’s name have worn off the cover with age, but when I get back to work, I’ll ask around and see if anyone recognizes the text.

I’ll have to make up some story about finding it in a yard sale, or something–I can’t imagine what they’d say if they knew a brand new research source was sitting in my own house for God knows how long, and I never realized it.

Sand

The sand is everywhere. Under my skin, on my skin, in my mouth when I cough. No escape, nothing left for me to do but leave my journal behind, even though it’s hard to hold my pen.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.


Renowned archaeologist Dr. Algernon P. Lewis earned his reputation as one of the premier researchers of the ancient Anaia with the publication of his doctoral thesis, Piece by Piece: Reconstructing the Lost Anaian Civilization. He joined the Anaian Historical Society and spearheaded the movement to learn more about this mysterious people. In the wake of his mental breakdown and untimely death, the Society has announced its intention to spare no expense in their efforts to uncover the secrets of the Anaia. The Lewis Expedition, named in his honor, is already underway.


Samantha Lienhard decided she wanted to be an author when she was in second grade, and she has been writing ever since. Her prior publications include a zombie serial called Sacreya’s Legacy, a horror/comedy novella called The Accidental Zombie, and a Lovecraftian horror serial called The Book at Dernier. When she isn’t writing, she can probably be found reading a book or playing a video game. She is currently pursuing her MFA in Writing Popular Fiction at Seton Hill University. You can find her at http://www.samanthalienhard.com/ or follow @SamLienhard on Twitter.


Katie Nyborg’s art, plus information regarding hiring her, can be found at http://katiedoesartthings.tumblr.com/.

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Young Adult Novel Kensei Now Available

KenseiHi, it’s Jeremy here. I’m breaking one of my rules for the site. Normally I try not to use Mad Scientist Journal to promote my own stuff, but I’m making an exception.

My young adult superhero novel, Kensei, is available for the first time as a stand alone book with a print edition. In close competition with the Kickstarter we did last year, this book is probably my proudest creation. I figure since all of the money I make off of this will be rolled back into Mad Scientist Journal, it’s worth posting here.

Here are your options for obtaining your very own copy:

* Goodreads Giveaway: I’m giving away five signed print copies! Winners will be selected December 25th.

* Patreon: Patrons who support my Patreon page at $5 or higher get immediate access to the ebook, as well as every other digital book I’ve put out either as myself or as Mad Scientist Journal. Those who are backing me on December 31st at the $10 will receive a print copy as well.

* Amazon: Available on the Kindle or in print. Those who order the print version will also receive the Kindle version at no extra cost.

* Other eBook retailers: Smashwords, Txtr, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, iBooks, Oyster, Scribd, Inktera

* Other Book Stores: Within six to eight weeks (so, around January) this should be available through regular book stores. It’s unlikely to be on the shelves, but you can special order it.

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Fictionvale Episode 5: Of Magic and Mayhem

Fictionvale Episode 5Now available is Fictionvale Episode 5: Of Magic and Mayhem, which features no less than two mad scientists of repute: Jamie Lackey and Dawn Vogel. They join eight other awesome authors in a fun issue with faeries and dragons (among other things). You can buy it either at the Fictionvale website or at Amazon!

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Autumn 2014 Now Available

Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014Now available in a variety of ebook formats is Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014! It features some great new stories not available on the site, advice from Dr. Synthia, Horrorscopes, and more! The cover art is courtesy of the lovely and talented Matt Youngmark, featuring Hercule Von Krumpf from Time Travel Dinosaur! You can obtain this exciting new edition of our zine from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, iBooksKobo, Txtr, Smashwords, and Patreon!

 

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Self-Help for Super Villains

An essay by Bill Masterson, as provided by Christopher Holmes Nixon
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye


“Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers, powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing, forces that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action.”

–Orison Swett Martin

Hello. My name is Bill Masterson.

I want to begin by taking a moment to thank you. I know we’ve never met, but I know you. I already know who you really are, because you’re like me. We’re the same.

I respect you. I really admire and appreciate you because you’re different. You’ve already set yourself apart from the thousands of people who’ve been overcome by the frustrations of daily life, where the dream has dissipated, and have lost the sense of certainty that creates the winning edge. I recognize you as the type of person who wants to make a change, and more importantly, you’re willing to do something about it.

For over a quarter of a century, I’ve helped millions of people in almost every country achieve the life advantage and not settle for anything less than they know they can be.

I’m the guy who gets the call. I get the call when the problems start to burn out of control. I get the call when the octopus man is in a jewellery store surrounded by the police and his robotic arms have malfunctioned. I’m the guy who gets the call when the plan has failed, and the evil genius is being beaten senseless live on national television. I get the call when the fifth robot has been captured, and now the ultra-robot is fighting the climactic final battle with only one leg! Or sometimes I get the call just to say thank you. I just recently received a call from a client who said “I’ve attended all your seminars and read all your work, now I’ve taken the president hostage on my zeppelin, and how would you like a state named after you as a token of my appreciation?”

From all the people that I’ve helped, the biggest lesson that I’ve learned is that people are all the same. We may have different beliefs, different standards, different powers, but we all encounter the same obstacles. Our challenges are all alike, and the solutions that will help us overcome our limiting factors in order to achieve our maximum potential are identical whether you’re a criminal mastermind, a psychotic dictator, a systematic killer, a rogue computer program, or a by-product of a horrible lab accident.

I recognize the power that individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I’ve learned that the resources to turn our dreams into reality are already within us, merely waiting for the moment that we accept the challenge to claim what is rightfully ours. Let my words be your impetus to accept the call to greatness, the catalyst to tap into the powers that you already possess and live your life to its fullest.

So let me extend my sincere gratitude for making the decision to change the quality of your life, and thank you for joining me. It’s my privilege to know you.

Every journey begins with a first step. So let’s begin.

Self-Help for Super-Villains

You don’t want to find yourself sitting on a pile of money wondering what to do, or standing triumphantly over the broken corpse of your arch-nemesis thinking “is this all there is?”

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.


Twenty five years ago, Bill Masterson’s bitch wife left him. Ever since then, he’s worked as a motivational speaker and helped millions of people achieve the life advantage.

Bill Masterson’s trade specialty includes helping antagonists, villains, and evil geniuses from around the world overcome their limiting beliefs to achieve the winning edge.

His previous works include “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Criminal Masterminds,” “How to Win Battles and Intimidate People,” “Unleashing the Powers Within,” and most recently, “Self-Help for Super Villains.”

Bill Masterson enjoys self-improvement, exercise, long walks on the beach, and standing back to watch it all burn.


Christopher Holmes Nixon is originally from Calgary, Canada, and has degrees in Economics and Political Science from the same city.

He has served as an Infantry Officer with the Canadian Armed Forces for the last nine years, with one operational tour to Afghanistan.  He is currently employed as the Training Officer for the 1st Battalion, Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry, in Edmonton, Alberta.

Christopher enjoys all types of fiction, as well as an addiction to writing.


Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at www.scarlettohairdye.com.

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