• Don’t Miss Today’s Webinar on ExitZ, the World’s Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution

    by  • December 25, 2017 • Fiction • 1 Comment

    A webinar by Margot Sanchez, as provided by Jessie Kwak
    Art by Luke Spooner

    Good morning, everybody, and welcome to the webinar.

    My name is Margot, and I’m the chief training officer for GreenLeaf HR Solutions. Today I’m just going to be going over some of the features of ExitZ, the world’s only HR platform to combine a quick and painless zombie employee offboarding process with early warning analytics to prevent further infections of your team.

    Before we get started, I wanted to go over a couple of housekeeping items. First, I know you were all expecting to meet with our lead product innovator, Lauren. I’m sorry to say that, ah, Lauren isn’t feeling great right now, so I’ve got her notes, and I’m stepping in.

    You’re in good hands.

    Second, you should see a chat box to the right of the video. Can you all just let me know if you can see and hear me okay?

    Mario, thanks. Thanks, Joanna. Great. Trish, Manoush, awesome. Thanks, everybody.

    Paul, can you try closing your browser and relaunching the webinar? Everyone else seems to be seeing and hearing me fine. So just–

    Okay, well, it looks like he closed out. Hopefully he can join us in a minute.



    While we’re waiting for Paul, I just want to let you all know that you can leave any questions you have for me in the chat box. My assistant, Inez, is going to be flagging them all for me, and I’ll answer them at the end. Okay?

    I’m going to jump right in with some quick GreenLeaf history, which you may or may not know.

    GreenLeaf has actually–you may know this–we’ve actually been developing Human Resources software solutions for over twenty years now. A lot of you are probably familiar with our flagship product, ZenHR.

    Just a quick show of hands, can you click the “raise hand” button in the chat if you’ve used–or use–ZenHR?

    Joanna, it’s in the lower–sorry, let me check–yeah, the lower left part of the chat screen.

    Oh, and hi, Paul, glad you can hear me now.

    Technology, right, it’s amazing except for when it’s not working!

    So, back to the history. About two years ago, when the first cases of zombieism were reported in Missoula, GreenLeaf was one of the first to realize just what a challenge it was going to be for HR directors to offboard zombie employees. Our product was actually in beta by the time the outbreak had gone national, and I’m proud to say we have over 3,500 users today.

    Including, hopefully, you folks. So, thanks for checking out the webinar.

    For those of you who’ve used ZenHR, you know that GreenLeaf is all about making your job easier. We know you have a lot going on.

    Especially these days.

    Now, I’m not going to ask for a show of hands here, but I know we’ve all probably had an experience or two with a zombie employee. If not, then you’re definitely in the minority–and maybe knock on wood! The Association for Talent Development just released a study where they found six in ten HR managers have had to offboard at least one zombie employee in the past year. And one in five have had to offboard over five employees!

    Obviously, those numbers are skewed regionally. Especially–do we have anyone here from Washington, Nevada, or Delaware?

    No? Well, okay. We’re just really sending good thoughts their way.

    So, let’s talk features.

    Oops, let me just turn my phone off–so sorry about that. You get alerts for everything with some of these new smartphones, it drives me nuts. Technology, right?


    With ExitZ, you’re gonna find all the great offboarding features you need to make your job easier. Digital exit paperwork, of course, and–this is great–along with the usual exit forms, ExitZ also comes pre-loaded with all the latest forms from the Department of Zombie Labor. We hear all the time that this is a great feature, because the regulations can be confusing, and you definitely want to make sure your business is compliant.

    ExitZ also has an automated offboarding checklist to help zombie employees go through the process with minimal interaction with human staff. Plus, it’s cloud-based, so your zombie employee can access the app securely off-premises from their own smartphone or tablet. Which, I guess I don’t need to tell you how important all that is.

    The next thing–and this is, I think, where our software really stands out–is the early warning module. This integrates seamlessly with ZenHR, of course, but you can also use it on its own, or integrate it into whatever employee management system you’re already using.

    I will say–because I know I’ll get this question at the end–it works on its own, but our early warning module is much more effective when you’ve integrated it with some type of employee database. It doesn’t have to be ZenHR–but it’s just that the more data you have the easier it is to spot when somebody is starting to, well, turn.

    It’s actually designed to send both the HR team and the employee alerts, like–oh, haha, that’s funny. Like this one that just showed up on my phone.

    See what I said about alerts these days? They’re constant.


    The big thing you’re gonna love about ExitZ is the exit survey.

    Now, we all know that the exit survey is one of the most important pieces of information you can have when an employee leaves your company. But they’re not always easy to get–especially not in cases of zombieism. That’s why ExitZ actually sends multiple alerts to the ex-employee to remind them to take the survey.

    We’ve designed the survey with really basic yes or no questions and word associations that most Level I zombies can still comprehend. We worked with some of the best zombie psychologists and instructional designers to come up with this, and it’s really actually very effective. How effective? About 68 percent better at getting responses than traditional exit surveys when it comes to Level I zombies, and 95 percent more effective for Level II zombies.

    Which is pretty great, I think.

    We’ve designed the survey with really basic yes or no questions and word associations that most Level I zombies can still comprehend. We worked with some of the best zombie psychologists and instructional designers to come up with this, and it’s really actually very effective.

    Once they’re in the app itself–let me just pull up a screenshot here–you can see how the interface is really colorful and easy to navigate. The colors are designed to be attractive to zombie employees, which means no blue, of course. It’s meant to draw them in.

    They just want to, you know.

    Open the app.

    And tap the buttons.

    Tap the buttons.

    … Tap.

    … … Tap.

    Where was I?

    Right, so, next slide.

    So sorry about that, it’s been kind of a long week, and it’s only Tuesday! Haha.

    Of course, as with every GreenLeaf product, we make ExitZ easy to customize. The software comes with a bunch of preloaded questions, but you can also write your own.

    And, of course, all of this data goes straight into your dashboard, which is simple to use. Let me just pull it up–

    You see how great these charts are, so easy to read. This is the kind of granular insight that can really help you grow your talent development program, and avoid too much employee attrition to zombieism.

    And, of course, it’s really easy to export this data into all sorts of custom reports. You can even automate your weekly Center for Disease Control reports, which I guarantee is gonna save you a lot of time. Those are a pain.

    The last feature I want to talk about it is–


    I’m sorry, I’m just having a little trouble making out the words. I’ve been staring at a computer screen all day.

    I think I have some eye drops here, just let me grab–

    Inez? What are you doing?

    I’m fine, I’m really.

    It’s allergies, it’s–no!

    Inez! NononoNO!


    Hey, everybody! Um, this is Inez, Margot’s assistant. I, ah, just wanted to thank you all for sticking through to the end of the webinar, and hope you appreciated that, ah, demonstration of just how effective the early warning module can be.

    Cool, so, I’m just going to skim through to the end of Margot’s notes, and–yep, we’re good. We’ve just about covered it.

    I’ve been flagging your questions, so I guess I’ll just dive in? Feel free to ask anything else you can think of in the comment section, and I’ll tackle your questions as I see them.

    I mean anything else about the product, though, actually.

    Right–so, Paul, if the video is frozen, can you try logging out and logging back in? The rest of you can see and hear me, right? Yeah, okay, Paul, I think it might just be your computer again, I’m sorry about that.

    But first, since a bunch of you have asked, yes, we’ll be sending you a link to the recording of the webinar after–I’m sorry. I’m being told that we’re not allowed–excuse me, that we won’t actually be sending this one out. Sounds like there was, ah, some sort of technical glitch in the recording?

    That’s too bad.

    Um, but I will–just let me write this down–I’ll be sure to send you a link to our resource library, which has a bunch of good links and stuff in it. And other webinar recordings, with our ex-lead product–I mean with our lead product innovator Lauren.

    Who’s just out sick.

    Does anyone have any questions?

    Margot Sanchez was CTO of GreenLeaf HR Solutions until she contracted an unfortunate case of zombieism. If you have any questions about ZenHR, ExitZ, or any of our other innovative HR software solutions please address them to her assistant, Inez Martin, who will be taking over her duties for the time being.

    Jessie Kwak is a B2B marketing copywriter and novelist who sometimes amuses herself by imagining how much more lively corporate communications would be during the time of the zombie apocalypse. Her short fiction has appeared in Bikes in Space vols 1-4, and you can find her paranormal and gangster sci-fi novels on her website, jessiekwak.com.

    Luke Spooner, a.k.a. ‘Carrion House,’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree, he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales, his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy, or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility, as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

    “Don’t Miss Today’s Webinar on ExitZ, the World’s Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution” is Copyright 2017 Jessie Kwak
    Art accompanying story is Copyright 2017 Luke Spooner

    This story originally appeared in Business as Usual: Corporate Communications in the Zombie Apocalypse.

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    One Response to Don’t Miss Today’s Webinar on ExitZ, the World’s Only Zombie Employee Offboarding Software Solution

    1. Andrew Kennett
      December 27, 2017 at 5:23 pm


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