An essay by Johnny Trollson, as provided by Sarina Dorie
Art by Errow Collins
Lab Partners: Johnny Trollson, Trog Pixiestomper, and Glurp Swampbottom, Grade 5
Biology Class: Tooth Fairy Experiments
To determine if a tooth fairy survives after her wings are torn off.
Because tooth fairies store magic in their wings, tearing them off will render them helpless and turn them mortal. Mortals are susceptible to death. According to the textbook, wing removal is painful and kills some species of immortals. Others survive for brief amounts of time, lasting no longer than a hundred years. That is, if a troll doesn’t intervene first.
The tooth fairy will die a slow and painful death if her wings are removed. We will take joy in her suffering. At least, my lab partners will.
- Capture three tooth fairies. Make sure to take away their wands and disarm their charms and glamour spells so they will not trick the researcher with any shenanigans.
- Place each of the fairies in separate cages.
- Leave both wings intact on the first fairy. Record how long it takes her to die.
- Remove one wing from the second one. Record how long it takes her to die.
- Remove the full set of wings from the last one. Record how long it takes her to die.
Observations and Analysis:
We learned that tooth fairies are difficult to catch. Actually, that’s what my lab partners learned. I told them this at the beginning. Back before I was forced to come home to the troll caverns, my fairy godmother showed me tricks for avoiding trolls, ogres, and feral unicorns. Unfortunately, I wasn’t careful enough. My biological parents caught me and brought me home.
The textbook didn’t say how to catch a fairy. There weren’t any in the science wing in coolers like with the frog prince dissections. That was a relief, at least. My lab partner, Glurp, suggested prying false teeth out of a pair of dentures and putting them under her pillow. I knew it wasn’t going to work. That trick has been tried too many times by human children.
I’m supposed to make an educated guess why it’s so hard to catch a fairy. I think it’s because they are smart.
In order to catch a tooth fairy, we had to stalk a human child with a loose tooth, wait until the tooth fell out, and then wait for a tooth fairy to arrive. Not only did we have to do this once, but we had to do it three times to catch three separate fairies. The worst part was when they tried to pull off the wings. Not because that icks me out–ahem, I am completely over my time spent living among kind, peaceful fairies and am now a well-adjusted troll who wishes nothing more to crunch human bones between my teeth and stomp on innocent pixies.
Each time something went wrong. The first fairy slugged Trog in the face with a bag of quarters and gave him a set of braces to remember her by. I don’t know how the fairy got her wand back. It must have been set too close to her cage. The second one whipped out a wand she’d been hiding and shouted, “I’m not leaving until those teeth sparkle.” She used magic to brush Glurp’s teeth until her gums bled. When they tried to pull the wings off the last one, the fairy shouted, “I’m here to collect some teeth, you elfing hogboons!” She punched Trog in his already aching jaw and knocked two teeth loose. I suggested Glurp needed some wisdom, and that may have been why the tooth fairy gave my lab partner a set of erupting wisdom teeth.
Oops, my bad.
Trog and Glurp don’t want to ever see another tooth fairy for the rest of their lives. But that may also have had to do with the avalanche of teeth that came crashing down on top of them.
The tooth fairies told me if I was good, they’d be back for me. I can only hope. I will put Trog’s teeth under my pillow tonight.
Johnny Trollson is a fifth-grade student at Snorgwog’s School for Trolls. After being kidnapped from his family by a wicked “fairy godmother,” he has finally been returned to his rightful family, where he spends his leisure time playing Kick the Head off the Leprechaun and eating humans. At least, that’s what his parents tell the neighbors.
Sarina Dorie has sold over 100 short stories to markets like Daily Science Fiction, Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction, Orson Scott Card’s IGMS, Cosmos, and Sword and Laser. Her stories and published novels have won humor and Romance Writer of America awards. Her steampunk romance series, The Memory Thief, and her collections, Fairies, Robots and Unicorns—Oh My! and Ghosts, Werewolves and Zombies—Oh My! are available on Amazon.
By day, Sarina is a public school art teacher, artist, belly dance performer and instructor, copy editor, fashion designer, event organizer, and probably a few other things. By night, she writes. As you might imagine, this leaves little time for sleep.
You can find info about her short stories and novels on her website: www.sarinadorie.com
Errow is a comic artist and illustrator with a predilection towards the surreal and the familiar. She pays her time to developing worlds not quite like our own with her artist fiancee and pushing the queer agenda. She probably left a candle burning somewhere. More of her work can be found at errowcollins.wix.com/portfolio.
“Mrs. Hobgobble’s Grade 5 Troll Homework: Tooth Fairy Experiments” is © 2017 Sarina Dorie
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Errow Collins