An essay by Professors Tabitha and Helga Krantz, Department of Supernatural Zoology, University of Morbach, Germany
Provided by Andy Brown
Art by Luke Spooner
The purpose of this project was to explore the potential uses of naturally produced supernatural zoological fluids. It was partly financed by the Supernatural Animal Protection Society (SAPS) as part of the recent SAPS proposal to raise awareness about the invasive procedures used in previous research into supernatural creatures.
Troll grease is found in great abundance in the armpits, the buttock cleft, between the thighs, behind the ears, and in the belly button of trolls. This foul smelling, dark brown substance has the consistency of soft cheese. Trolls must be sedated before collecting the grease, which has to be scraped from the creature using large metallic spoons. Occasionally, hammers and chisels have to be used to remove solidified lumps.
The grease has a number of applications. In its raw form, it acts as a powerful repellent. A 2 milligram piece of grease is enough to clear a house of any pests, from termites and spiders to rats and birds. It needs to be treated with caution, as it is equally repellant to humans. Hazmat suits had to be worn at all times during tests to protect our team from the effects of the grease. Raymond, our lab technician, was rendered unconscious for several days after he was exposed to a dirty chisel.
When diluted (1:150,000) in alcohol, the grease had powerful stimulant properties. During tests, three of our students stayed awake for 120 hours by using a nasal spray every 4 hours. Mentally and physically, the students performed at approximately 150% of normal. Side effects included a marked loss of olfactory response, protruding eyeballs, and flatulence. When the effect of the spray wore off, the students lapsed into unconsciousness for 20 hours.
Werewolves urinate continuously. We found the best and safest way to collect the micturition was to use a room with a permeable floor, allowing the urine to pass into a tank beneath.
Werewolf urine evaporates very quickly, producing an invisible gas with strong hallucinogenic properties. Raymond spent three days sitting on a piano, convinced that he was a bust of Mozart.
In small doses, the gas could be employed as an alternative to methadone, as it seems to have all the narcotic effects of type A drugs but has none of the addictive qualities. Further experimentation is needed.
When condensed, the liquid produced can be mixed with a cream and used for pain relief. It is particularly effective when used to alleviate muscular and arthritic pain.
The diluted urine can be used to render the most aggressive dogs instantly passive. This could be of interest to the police force, the postal service, and veterinary practitioners, as well as the average dog owner.
Centaurs are highly intelligent and very arrogant. Because of these qualities, we had concerns as to whether or not they would be prepared to contribute to this study. However, the centaurs were more than willing to show off their sexual potency and were happy to fill any and all receptacles.
So keen were they that Raymond was nearly drowned when he used too small a pail to collect a contribution from a particularly tumescent stallion.
Centaur semen is unusually potent. It can be added to any other semen to increase the chance of fertilization, irrespective of the species. The centaur sperm cells do not interact directly with other sperm cells, serving only to stimulate the other cells. There is a marked increase in the size and vigour of any progeny. Tests involving plants also produced larger and healthier fruit.
The uses of centaur semen as a fertility treatment, as well as a means of producing more and better quality food, are clearly beneficial, but strict controls need to be applied. The dangers of a centaur-stimulated virus or botanical organism released into the environment could be considerable.
Ogres are covered in boils and so produce large amounts of pus. The pus must be harvested regularly, as ogres enjoy popping their boils and eating the product. We used a long tube attached to a pump to collect the pus. What had never been discovered before is that the pus sets solid shortly after being removed from the boil and being exposed to the air. Storing the substance in vacuum packs kept it malleable.
The pus binds at a molecular level, producing a bond which is impervious to extremes of heat, cold, chemical, and physical forces. Only one substance has been discovered that can dissolve the solidified pus. Ogre saliva is able to break the pus down, forming an unpleasant but entirely harmless solution.
Before this discovery, Raymond had become fused to a door handle after getting some pus on his hand. Amputation had been mooted.
As a building material, ogre pus would seem to be perfect. Thousands of times stronger than concrete and completely waterproof, a building could be erected in a fraction of the time. Using the ogre saliva to dissolve bonds, temporary structures could be erected and dismantled very easily.
Sirens are very dangerous to store while milking, since the slightest sound produced by these creatures is enough to induce a trance. A system was developed that utilised a noise-cancelling version of an air lock. Full noise-cancelling helmets had to be worn at all times in the presence of the sirens.
They are very easy to milk, although the fluid needs to be expressed by hand using a small vacuum pump.
The milk was found to contain a substance that makes anyone exposed to it highly suggestible. Even a tiny drop on the skin produces the effect.
Raymond was discovered in a state of total exhaustion after splashing a few drops of the milk onto the back of his exposed hand and overhearing Van Halen’s “Jump” on the radio. We later discovered that he had been leaping into the air for nearly four hours.
This fluid has a number of applications. It acts as a very powerful but completely harmless truth serum. It can aid in control of cravings and addictions. In a diluted form, the spray can be used to quiet and control animals.
In conclusion, the many and varied uses of crypto-zoological fluids, as well as the non-invasive and non-destructive means of obtaining same, more than justify continued research.
We would also like to thank Raymond for all his help and wish him every success in his new endeavour. Crypto-zoology’s loss is fast food’s gain.
Professors Tabitha and Helga Krantz are conjoined twins who share a torso and internal organs. They obtained degrees in Biology, Chemistry, and Crypto-Zoology at the University of Harghita in Transylvania. Tabitha and Helga have six brothers, who are also conjoined twins. The Krantz family motto is “Duo Capita Sunt Meliora Quam Unum” (Two Heads Are Better Than One).
Andy Brown is a musician and entertainer living near Edinburgh in Scotland. (He doesn’t currently own a kilt but does play bagpipes a little.) He is a pleasant enough fellow with a healthy interest in many things and an obsessive interest in many others. (Music, computers, astronomy, reading, writing…) He plays a wide variety of instruments to a wide variety of standards. His greatest happiness is his family and the fact that he wakes every morning still breathing. His greatest sadness is that he might die before warp travel, teleportation, and Klingons are discovered.
Luke Spooner, a.k.a. ‘Carrion House,’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree, he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales, his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy, or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility, as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.
“Supernatural Zoological Fluids and Their Applications” is © 2017 Andy Brown
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Luke Spooner