An essay by Fremde Zwilling, CEO, Paradoxical Twins, Inc.
Brought to our attention by E. B. Fischadler
Art by Amanda Jones
One of the most curious developments in quantum physics is quantum entanglement. This is a phenomenon that allows two particles to behave in a manner consistent with instantaneous exchange of information with no apparent connection. If two entangled particles are created with specific quantum states, they will maintain the relationship between their quantum states. If a quantum state–for example, spin–of one particle changes abruptly, the corresponding state of an entangled particle changes simultaneously. The most interesting—and, we propose, useful–aspect of this phenomenon is that it occurs regardless of the distance separating the two particles. Einstein argued it was an error in understanding, referring to it as “spooky action at a distance.” The scientists at Paradoxical Twins, Inc., don’t pretend to understand quantum physics well enough to explain this phenomenon, nor do they have sufficient facility with relativity to explain to me how one determines simultaneity of two separated particles. Even so, they have somehow managed to harness this phenomenon, through a combination of sketchy knowledge, chutzpah, and sheer good luck, to put this effect to good use.
How it Works
If individual particles can be entangled, it is conceivable that ordered groups of particles can also be entangled. Since the quantum states of every particle in one group change identically to the quantum states of every particle in an entangled group, we find that the two groups respond identically to a stimulus, even though that stimulus is applied only to one of the groups. If one creates two ordered groups, each comprising a sensor (e.g., a microphone), and entangles these two groups, one has created a remote sensing system with several useful properties:
- Zero delay: The local group will sense whatever the distant group senses at the very same instant. No longer need we tolerate delays of several hours in receiving sounds from Pluto.
- Noise free transmission: Since all the quantum states of the group are entangled, the local sensor will react exactly as the distant sensor. There are no transmission distortions, no noise, and no dropouts.
- Compactness: With quantum entanglement sensing, there is no need for a transmitter, receiver, nor their accompanying power supplies and antennas.
- Stealth: Quantum entangled sensors communicate only via quantum entanglement. Thus there are no radio signals to allow detection of a sensor, nor can the transmissions be intercepted, blocked, or spoofed. At least until the bad guys figure out how to use quantum entanglement in this manner.
It would be just like tying two Dixie cups together with string–only without the string.
Proof of Concept
The scientists at Paradoxical Twins, Inc., have conducted experiments to prove the viability of our system of quantum entanglement. In the first experiment, two quarters were intertwined by our patented process. One quarter was set down on a table (the distant coin). A scientist flipped the second coin (the local coin) one hundred times. After each coin flip, the states of the two coins were compared. In 52% of the events, both coins showed tails. Our scientists were instructed to observe the result of the coin toss, then to immediately check the state of the distant coin. In none of the cases did the scientists observe the process of the distant coin changing state to match the local coin, proving that the distant coin matched the state of the local coin instantaneously.
Of course, we at Paradoxical Twins were not satisfied with 52% reliability of our quantum entanglement process. Quantum physics points out that when a scientist makes a measurement on a microscopic system, that scientist necessarily alters some aspect of the system. For example, bouncing photons off an atom to observe it may excite electrons in the atom’s shell. In light of his, we hired a non-scientist, Mr. Leo Goomba (aka The Magnificent Leo), a retired entertainer and blackjack dealer from Las Vegas to participate in our second experiment. In this experiment, our scientists entangled two decks of cards. A secretary from Mr. Zwilling’s office pulled a card at random from one deck. After some manipulation, Mr. Goomba pulled the identical card from his deck each and every time the experiment was repeated. This shows that we have achieved 100% entanglement of the two systems.
TwinTrack is the world’s most effective child tracking system. TwinTrack simply attaches a quantum-entangled particle to your wayward offspring. The local particle will know exactly where that child has gone. Add sensing capability, and you might learn with whom your child associates and what he/she has done or consumed.
Though highly skeptical of its scientific basis, we have coerced the courts into admitting that the idea of using TwinTrack to monitor paroled criminals would be a “neat idea.”
TwinTrack Deluxe® is even more than the world’s most advanced tracking system. TwinTrack Deluxe also serves as a training aid. When your child does associate with some undesirables, or exhibits forbidden behavior, simply place your local particle in the oven. Soon, the particle attached to Junior will give the little twerp a hotfoot.
We are entering negotiations with officials at Guantanamo Bay to deploy TwinTrack Deluxe there. Consider entangling the target of an interrogation with a cooperative prisoner. We order the cooperative prisoner to gargle at the same time we are interrogating the target. Suddenly the target feels like he is drowning–with no water board! Interrogations will be as effective as torture is now, without raising the ire of the international community or those blue state bleeding hearts.
IdentiCopy is the most consistent and repeatable mass production system in history. The IdentiCopy manufacturing system works by entangling as many sets of raw materials as the current manufacturing run requires. Then, one set of raw material is machined and assembled into the finished product. Because the states of all raw materials are entangled, each set of raw materials will react as though it too had been machined and assembled into a finished product. Thus, by manufacturing one copy, as many copies as are required are produced.
One note: each copy is exactly identical to the copy actually built. Thus, if your workers are having a good day, each copy will be as well-crafted as the original. On the other hand, if on the day after the SuperBowl, a company in the losing city uses IdentiCopy, each copy will be as crummy as the original built by the hungover, angry workers.
When the production run is complete, our scientists will come to your workplace and for a nominal fee they will disentangle all copies of the IdentiCopy product. One manufacturer built thousands of cellular phones using the IdentiCopy system. This manufacturer chose not to have Paradoxical Twins scientists disentangle their product. On the next Friday the thirteenth, one of the cellular phones suffered a critical failure, causing it shut down irretrievably. Because the entire production run was entangled, every cellular phone in that run, regardless of where it was in the world, also failed. This brought ruination to the manufacturer, which could have been avoided for the reasonable cost of having Paradoxical Twins’ scientists disentangle the products.
The economy of having Parodxical Twins, Inc., disentangle your products is shown by the following actual case. A major maker of surgical implements built 10,000 scalpels using the IdentiCopy system. The original cost only $10 to make. Paradoxical Twins proposed to disentangle the scalpels for $10,000,000. Unfortunately, negotiations between the company and the machinists’ union were not going well. When hundreds of surgical interns severed fingers due to a worker leaving a sharp edge on the handle, the courts awarded $10 BILLION to the young surgeons.
Someday, we hope to extend quantum entanglement to entire organisms to bring you the greatest intimacy possible. Imagine never being completely separated from your dearest one. Whatever you experience, she experiences. No more hoping that her beer swilling, football watching husband or boyfriend will get the hint about the new ring that she saw at the Mall. Guys, just glance at the TV schedule, and she’ll understand the big game is on at 4, and you need to see it.
Of course, this isn’t for everyone. Consider that there will be no more surprises at Christmas–whatever you get her, she will know instantly. And forget about telling her you were working late when you were really at the local gin mill–she’ll taste the beer same as you.
Paradoxical Twins, Inc., hopes to deliver its first successful products sometime in the future. (You’d think their marketing geniuses would choose a name that normal people can pronounce.)
 Why would an otherwise reasonable person bring us this?
 It seems to me that when the first particle changes state, a message is sent by an experimenter to the location of the second particle. This message travels at the speed of light, so the second observer must somehow register that the event occurred at his article at a specific instant in the past. Otherwise, the state change propagated at light speed.
 And his presentation was most engaging.
 At least the elevator operator in the Manhattan District Courthouse thought it was.
 If the CIA ever returns our phone calls.
 The nominal fee for disentangling mass produced items is calculated as follows: 100 x number of copies x cost to manufacture the original. Thus for a run of 1000 items, and the cost of the original being $10, we charge: 100 x 1000 x 10 = $1,000,000 to disentangle the items.
 As we are being sued by this manufacturer, Paradoxical Twins, Inc., will not disclose the identity of this unfortunate manufacturer. But it’s entirely their fault.
 It turns out the phones shutting down was not what bankrupted the manufacturer. Because the cell phones went into the field entangled, myriad cases of eavesdropping occurred; personal, corporate, even state secrets were blown. Paradoxical Twins, Inc., is currently in the process of spinning this off as a new line of social networking products.
 We had hoped to register this trademark, but some clown from the Vulcan Academy of Science beat us to it.
 This has some significant implications for sexual encounters; no more “faking it.”
Fremde Zwilling is the founder and chief executive officer of Paradoxical Twins, Inc. He first became interested in quantum entanglement when he and his twin brother developed appendicitis on the same day. Though he was a sociology major, Mr. Zwilling hung out with the science majors. Paradoxical Twins, Inc., is the result of some late night beerfests with those classmates.
E. B. Fischadler has been writing short stories for several years, and has recently begun publishing. His stories have appeared in Mad Scientist Journal, Bewildering Stories, eFiction, Voluted Tales, Beyond Imagination Literary Magazine, and Beyond Science Fiction. In addition to fiction, Fischadler has published over 30 papers in refereed scientific journals, as well as a chapter of a textbook on satellite engineering. When he is not writing, he pursues a career in engineering and serves his community as an EMT. Fischadler continues to write short stories and is working on a novel about a naval surgeon. You can learn more about Fischadler and access his other publications at: https://ebfischadler.wordpress.com/
Amanda Jones is an illustrator based in Seattle. She likes reading horror stories, binge watching seasons of her favourite sci-fi/fantasy shows, and everything Legend of Zelda. She focuses on digital portrait painting and co-creates the webcomic The Kinsey House. You can find more of her work on Tumblr under ‘thehauntedboy‘.
“Quantum Entanglement for Better Living” is © 2017 E. B. Fischadler
Art accompanying story is © 2017 Amanda Jones