A speech by Professor T.D. McClure, MPhD, President of the Mad Scientists of America, presented by Laura Roberts
Art by Amanda Jones
Dr. Evil, Mr. Vice President, Members of the International Scientific Community, my enemies, my co-conspirators, my fellow Mad Scientists:
The State of Mad Science in 2016 is a precarious one, despite our many advances, and thus I come to you today to report back on our successes, our failures, and our plans for the future. Not just for the next year, but for the next five years, the next ten years, and beyond. I believe we must focus on the future, rather than reverting to missions of the past, because the Mad Scientists of America must continue to grow, embrace change, and set an example for the twisted hearts and addled minds of the next generation of Mad Scientists.
Mad Science has been through big changes before, and we have always come out swinging. Whether we were being crushed by fascist do-gooders, removed from tenured positions at prestigious universities, or simply tarred and feathered in the press by those who misunderstood our mission, we always continued to forge ahead, to do our work in secret, and to think up new ways to demonstrate our own brand of evil genius.
The time has come, not to cower from the light, but to embrace the darkness–and to fire up the Tesla Coil! (Applause.)
My fellow Mad Scientists, here is just a short list of the things we have accomplished in the past year:
- In the field of archaeology, we managed to convince the world that our spectacularly realistic bone fragments, dumped in the depths of a cave in South Africa, actually belong to “homo nalendi,” a new species of humanoid ancestor. The non-mad scientific community is still buzzing about the import of this discovery, and they believe they’ve discovered a new branch on the human family tree, when in fact they are playing right into our hands as we set up our most cruel and cunning prank yet. Phase 2 of this project begins soon, so be sure to subscribe to our mailing list in order to follow each new twist and turn.
- Working closely with both mad and non-mad scientists in China, we have successfully inserted DNA from a woolly mammoth into the cells of a modern elephant. Though the non-mad scientists have been informed that this experiment was a failure, our mad brethren have secretly moved the resulting Modern Mammoth to one of our underground lairs for safekeeping. (Special shout-out to Dr. Evil for providing his volcano sanctuary for more in-depth research.) Project Mammoth Mayhem is set to debut in Spring 2017, with plenty of hair-raising fun in store.
- While the non-mad scientists of NASA brought forth their discovery of water on the surface of Mars, highlighting the accomplishment in a mainstream Hollywood movie that shall remain nameless, we mad scientists have also made exciting discoveries on the red planet! Indeed, while the world fawned over NASA’s findings, we secretly maneuvered Curiosity (the Mars Rover) to a remote hollow on the surface of the planet to achieve additional imaging of a rare protozoa with a thirst for blood. We are nearly certain it was this species that ultimately wiped out the people of Mars, and that sent any survivors scurrying for the cold comforts of space, desperate for revenge. It is armed with this information that we have been contacting alien life in the vicinity of the 666 Nebula and proposing the final outline of a full-scale War of the Worlds set on the red planet. There is quite a lag in terms of our current communications with the people of 666 Nebula, but early indicators point to signs of agreement with this plan. The war is currently set to begin June 6th, 2017, if all goes according to plan. Stay tuned as we continue to negotiate with Hollywood for a space thriller of our own! (Evil laughter.)
- Along with our plans for interplanetary domination, the discovery of the brightest galaxy in the universe has given us new information that should help fuel our ongoing evil schemes. A supermassive black hole at the center of this inordinately bright universe (dubbed “WISE J224607.57-052635.0” by the media, but known simply as “The Darkness” to our scientists) is key to our reign of terror, as it is powerful enough to pull in everything from Death Stars to Starkillers with its mighty lust for fuel. At only 12.5 billion light years away, we have updated our timelines accordingly; please see the new plans on our website.
- Finally, dozens of new evil species have been discovered and documented in the Eastern Himalayas, including the elusive Yeti, the Abominable Snowman, and the Lesser Neanderthal Cave Chimp, whose razor-sharp teeth have proven excellent additions to our genetic modification program.
We continue to make great strides in all areas of mad robotics and AI, mad marine biology, and mad chemistry, despite the usual drawbacks of working within the socially accepted norms of the non-mad scientific community.
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While non-mad geniuses like Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye continue to undermine our progress in the mad sciences, we too seek to become household names. And while they seek to spread a message of science as the great equalizer, bringing peace through technology, we shall continue our mission to conquer the planet–and the galaxy–one step at a time, with STEAM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Arts, Mathematics) programs in grade and middle schools across America, blossoming into explorations into the mad sciences in high schools, and continuing on to full-fledged Mad Science Studies with MBS (Mad Bachelor of Science) and MMS (Mad Master of Science) degrees at the college level.
We seek to be known not only for the creativity of our schemes, but also for the caliber of our weapons! (Applause.)
Is there, indeed, any part of the mad science community into which we have not yet stuck a bony, probing finger? I am here to proudly tell you that the answer to this rhetorical question is no. In fact, it is hell no! Can I get a hell no?! (Applause. Pause for chanting of “hell no.”)
So you see, my fellow Mad Scientists, it is neither the wrack and ruin of our economy nor the failure of our members to rise to the occasion that has concluded my fourth year on such a high note. No, today I stand before you as the President of the Mad Scientists of America, humbly requesting your endorsement for yet another term. Together, I believe we can achieve the goals of this society, and that we can finally rise above the nonsensical restrictions of the non-mad scientific community, to burst forth like a supernova of evil genius with our death rays and mind-control devices, rallying every man, woman, child, and monster to join in our plots, our schemes, and our ultimate domination of the universe.
Alone, we are but mortals, prone to death and failure. But together? Together, we can do anything. In the words of Napoleon Bonaparte: “Impossible is a word found only in the dictionary of fools.”
Thus I ask you: Are we fools, or are we Mad Scientists? I believe we all know the answer to that one. (Applause.)
My fellow Mad Scientists, I salute you. Thank you, may Baal bless you, and good night.
T. D. McClure holds an MPhD (Mad PhD) from Harvard, and currently serves as the President of the Mad Scientists of America. In addition to being an incredibly sought-after keynote speaker on the subjects of mad science and evil ingenuity in times of crisis, McClure has also won a Mad Nobel Prize, the National Medal of Mad Science, and a Profile in Courage Award. You may also remember McClure as the inventor of the MindRay 2.1, a mind-control device that has threatened both national and international security on a broad scale. His further exploits are detailed at Buttontapper.com.
Laura Roberts can leg-press an average-sized sumo wrestler, has nearly been drowned off the coast of Hawaii, and tells lies for a living. She is the founding editor of Black Heart Magazine, the San Diego Chapter Leader for the Nonfiction Authors Association, and publishes whatever strikes her fancy at Buttontapper Press. She currently lives in an Apocalypse-proof bunker in sunny SoCal with her artist husband and their literary kitties, and can be found online at Buttontapper.com.
“The State of Mad Science, 2016” is © 2016 Laura Roberts
Art accompanying story is © Amanda Jones