A message from Calvin Madison, Press Secretary, Nagasaki Planetation
Provided by Christopher J. Teuton
Art by Ariel Alian Wilson
With Phase One of our new Residential Improvement Program completed, we at Nagasaki Planetation feel as if it is necessary to remind you, the public, of a few of your local laws that may have changed over the New Year. Since for many of you, ignorance of these laws is only your first offense, no one will be placed in custody this week. However, when the Residential Repairmen come around again in a few days to perform their maintenance and security duties, the laws must be followed to the letter, or they will be forced to take protective action. Please review the following changes and make sure your home is up to code.
- Coffee is to be imbibed only between the hours of 0600 and 1000. If your coffeepot is not cleaned and ready for the next morning by 1100, you may be fined up to $40 per cup of leftover coffee.
- Due to hazardous weather conditions, during the winter your thermostat must be set no lower than 75°. Punishable by a year-long probation sentence where you will report for work at Nagasaki Planetation’s Electromagnet Company on a daily basis.
- Rugs are to be placed on wood or tile floor only. Rugs are not to be placed on carpet. Any rug found on a carpeted section of floor will be set on fire by approved personnel.
- All socks must be matched according to size, not color. This is a misdemeanor offense, but it will add two strikes (at minimum) to your record. Remember, if you or anyone in your immediate family accumulates seven strikes in a year-long period, your family will be banished to the lunar colony.
- Each family must provide one (1) free meal to their designated Residential Repairman. The local government is not responsible for any damages that occur due to unfed Repairmen. Police will not be able to respond to any calls that are placed during the biweekly neighborhood sweep, due to the fact that they will be under examination as well. Any acts of retaliation or violence against your Residential Repairmen will be met with legally authorized vaporization. Do not use improper grammar when talking to your Residential Repairman. Do not insult your Residential Repairman’s moustache. Do not forget to feed your Repairman.
- The area under your bed is to be completely free of debris for the future installation of company-issue trap doors. Anything left under your bed during the next two neighborhood sweeps will be catalogued and placed online for sale on Craigslist. The profits will be distributed back into your local community in the form of large LED billboards advertising Nagasaki Planetation’s latest products.
- All future organ transplants will only be given to citizens who are also registered organ donors. If you are not willing to give your organs to science on a regular basis, you do not deserve to get someone else’s. Any black market organs found in your body will be removed by your Residential Repairman.
- Many houses in low-income neighborhoods were found to be in violation of CODE 114-43, Section 5.2, Sub-Section A99, Sub-Sub Section 66. Please review your community handbook and correct this immediately.
To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Summer 2015 collection.
Calvin Madison is the senior Press Secretary for Nagasaki Planetation. For many years it has been his job to inform the general public on situations they might not otherwise be aware of. He is considered trustworthy by a whopping 98% of families in a recent poll conducted by Nagasaki Planetation.
Christopher J. Teuton is an author and entrepreneur currently living in Port Wentworth, GA, in the United States. He has written numerous short stories and journalistic articles which can be found in both print and online publications. His other passions include philosophy, astrophysics, microbiology, dogs, dancing in the rain, and climbing on trees.
Ariel Alian Wilson is a few things: artist, writer, gamer, and role-player. Having dabbled in a few different art mediums, Ariel has been drawing since she was small, having always held a passion for it. She’s always juggling numerous projects. Currently lives in Seattle with her two cats, Zippy and Persephone. You can find doodles, sketches, and more at her blog www.winndycakesart.tumblr.com.