• Recalibrating Archaeological Time Scales

    by  • January 12, 2015 • Fiction • 0 Comments

    An essay by T. Rashman and O. L. Geezer, as provided by E. B. Fischadler
    Art by Luke Spooner


    It has come to our attention that there is considerable debate regarding the age of the earth. Having heard this, we began considering archaeological time scales and the benchmarks used to establish them. We introduce a new benchmark below, which we believe is more readily accessible and understandable than the benchmarks currently used in archaeology. This benchmark also provides a new age for the earth, as well as new dates for some historic milestones, which we believe will reconcile the debate between the scientific community’s estimates for the age of the earth and the age of the earth as determined by religious fanatics from their literal reading of the Bible.

    The Problem, and a possible solution

    Currently, the dating of archaeological finds relies on arcane methods such as carbon dating, epigraphy, amino acid dating, and other methods that require a PhD to understand and a lot of money invested in fancy equipment to employ. We sought an alternative method that was more readily accessible to the armchair historian and backyard archaeologist.

    More accessible methods, such as stratigraphy (dating by depth of the find), result in ages inconsistent with Biblical scholarship. For example, the age of the dinosaurs has been placed ca 300 million BC to 150 million BC. A literal interpretation of the Bible has been used to obtain an age for the earth of approximately 6,600 years.

    We realized that someone has to be wrong, and sought an independent methodology for dating archaeological artifacts. Just such a scheme came to us one night, as we learned that a winning lottery ticket was sold at our local package store. We found the ticket, dated 6 January, in the kitchen trash on top of a copy of the National Enquirer, with the same date on its banner. We realized that the deeper we dug down in the trash the earlier the dates on items we uncovered. This suggested a key relation:

     

    Age of find = constant * depth of find      eq. 1

     

    That is, the age of something in the trash increases the farther down you dig. If this relationship holds, and we could identify the value of the constant, this may represent a new method for calibration of the archeological record.

    Recalibrating Archaelogical Time Scales

    More accessible methods, such as stratigraphy (dating by depth of the find), result in ages inconsistent with Biblical scholarship.


    To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Winter 2015 collection.


    T. Rashman, a former employee of Barone Sanitation, currently works as a “freestyle sanitation engineer.”


    O. L. Geezer is an expert in scatology, and has recently expanded the scope of his research to include Garbology. Though accused of archaeological dating, it has been established that he never dated anyone more than 10 years older than himself.


    E. B Fischadler has been writing short stories for several years, and has recently begun publishing. When he is not writing, he pursues a career in engineering and serves his community as an EMT. Mr. Fischadler’s technical works have been published in several refereed journals and a book. Fischadler continues to write short stories and is working on a novel about a naval surgeon.


    Luke Spooner a.k.a. ‘Carrion House’ currently lives and works in the South of England. Having recently graduated from the University of Portsmouth with a first class degree he is now a full time illustrator for just about any project that piques his interest. Despite regular forays into children’s books and fairy tales his true love lies in anything macabre, melancholy or dark in nature and essence. He believes that the job of putting someone else’s words into a visual form, to accompany and support their text, is a massive responsibility as well as being something he truly treasures. You can visit his web site at www.carrionhouse.com.

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