Self-Help for Super Villains

An essay by Bill Masterson, as provided by Christopher Holmes Nixon
Art by Scarlett O’Hairdye

“Deep within man dwell those slumbering powers, powers that would astonish him, that he never dreamed of possessing, forces that would revolutionize his life if aroused and put into action.”

–Orison Swett Martin

Hello. My name is Bill Masterson.

I want to begin by taking a moment to thank you. I know we’ve never met, but I know you. I already know who you really are, because you’re like me. We’re the same.

I respect you. I really admire and appreciate you because you’re different. You’ve already set yourself apart from the thousands of people who’ve been overcome by the frustrations of daily life, where the dream has dissipated, and have lost the sense of certainty that creates the winning edge. I recognize you as the type of person who wants to make a change, and more importantly, you’re willing to do something about it.

For over a quarter of a century, I’ve helped millions of people in almost every country achieve the life advantage and not settle for anything less than they know they can be.

I’m the guy who gets the call. I get the call when the problems start to burn out of control. I get the call when the octopus man is in a jewellery store surrounded by the police and his robotic arms have malfunctioned. I’m the guy who gets the call when the plan has failed, and the evil genius is being beaten senseless live on national television. I get the call when the fifth robot has been captured, and now the ultra-robot is fighting the climactic final battle with only one leg! Or sometimes I get the call just to say thank you. I just recently received a call from a client who said “I’ve attended all your seminars and read all your work, now I’ve taken the president hostage on my zeppelin, and how would you like a state named after you as a token of my appreciation?”

From all the people that I’ve helped, the biggest lesson that I’ve learned is that people are all the same. We may have different beliefs, different standards, different powers, but we all encounter the same obstacles. Our challenges are all alike, and the solutions that will help us overcome our limiting factors in order to achieve our maximum potential are identical whether you’re a criminal mastermind, a psychotic dictator, a systematic killer, a rogue computer program, or a by-product of a horrible lab accident.

I recognize the power that individuals have to change virtually anything and everything in their lives in an instant. I’ve learned that the resources to turn our dreams into reality are already within us, merely waiting for the moment that we accept the challenge to claim what is rightfully ours. Let my words be your impetus to accept the call to greatness, the catalyst to tap into the powers that you already possess and live your life to its fullest.

So let me extend my sincere gratitude for making the decision to change the quality of your life, and thank you for joining me. It’s my privilege to know you.

Every journey begins with a first step. So let’s begin.

Self-Help for Super-Villains

You don’t want to find yourself sitting on a pile of money wondering what to do, or standing triumphantly over the broken corpse of your arch-nemesis thinking “is this all there is?”

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Autumn 2014 collection.

Twenty five years ago, Bill Masterson’s bitch wife left him. Ever since then, he’s worked as a motivational speaker and helped millions of people achieve the life advantage.

Bill Masterson’s trade specialty includes helping antagonists, villains, and evil geniuses from around the world overcome their limiting beliefs to achieve the winning edge.

His previous works include “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Criminal Masterminds,” “How to Win Battles and Intimidate People,” “Unleashing the Powers Within,” and most recently, “Self-Help for Super Villains.”

Bill Masterson enjoys self-improvement, exercise, long walks on the beach, and standing back to watch it all burn.

Christopher Holmes Nixon is originally from Calgary, Canada, and has degrees in Economics and Political Science from the same city.

He has served as an Infantry Officer with the Canadian Armed Forces for the last nine years, with one operational tour to Afghanistan.  He is currently employed as the Training Officer for the 1st Battalion, Princess Patricia’s Canadian Light Infantry, in Edmonton, Alberta.

Christopher enjoys all types of fiction, as well as an addiction to writing.

Scarlett O’Hairdye is a burlesque performer, producer and artist. To learn more, visit her site at

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