Who’s Yer Mummy

Being a curious tale of Archaeology, Burn Fetishism, and World Domination, by world-famous Undead Egyptologist, Jack Eidolon, as told to Mike Bryant
Photography by Eleanor Leonne Bennett

“My name is Jack. And I’m a braineater.”

That was me, about two and a half years ago, at my first Undead Anonymous meeting.

Just like everyone else there, I was addicted. Addicted to eating human brains. It had been fun for a time, but I’d seen too many of my friends meet their untimely demise at the hands of some jackass with a rusty shovel.

Rusty shovels are just one of the many reasons why the Zombies decided to integrate into polite society and live among the humans, side-by-side.

Some of the earlier members of my twelve-step group had just received their five-year medallions. Five years without eating brains. I was happy for them, I really was. But me; I was a fraud. I had discovered a loophole of sorts.

Archaeology was my profession. And I was doing really well. Since I was already technically dead, I didn’t need to worry about getting bitten by asps or reawakening some ancient virus or anything like that.

One day, the museum called and asked me to investigate a previously-undiscovered pyramid that was found in the Valley of Kings. It belonged to a little-known Pharaoh named Ya-Mumma-Sa Ho-Tep, and they wanted me to do the usual legalized smash-and-grab. So I packed my gun and bullwhip and put on my old brown leather jacket and cool hat and headed out to the airport.

There, I met up with the assistant with which my benefactors had set me up: A sweet young thing in an even sweeter skirt named Lucy. A strange name for a skirt, I know, but there you have it.

The woman’s name was Calcine. Blaze Calcine. She was an odd one. And when an undead braineater calls you odd, you’ve gotta be a really special kind of odd. Three is odd. That’s a mathematical fact. But three’s got nothing on this chick.

Who's Yer Mummy

I stepped into the gloom and walked down the dusty old hallway to the main room at the centre, the first person to do so for over four thousand years. My flashlight beam fell upon the ancient sarcophagus right in the centre of the room.

To read the rest of this story, check out the Mad Scientist Journal: Spring 2012 collection.

Jack Eidolon is an undead Egyptologist and recovering brainoholic. Surprisingly articulate for a zombie, he has authored several books on ancient Egypt, including, “Lies Nefertiti Told Me”, “The Ra Delusion” and, “I Hope They Serve Brains in Neter-khertet.”

He thinks Mike Bryant is kind of a dick.

Mike Bryant was once ejected from a Karaoke bar for performing the Weird Al Yankovic classic “Yoda”, instead of taking things seriously.

He has released a spoken word CD entitled “Chicken Noodle Pants” and two novellas, “Shaolin Rock Star” and “Operation Dickhead”.

Mike likes Science Fiction and Heavy Metal, which is sure to make him a hit with the ladies.

Eleanor Leonne Bennett is a 16 year old internationally award winning photographer and artist who has won first places with National Geographic, The World Photography Organisation, Nature’s Best Photography, Papworth Trust, Mencap, The Woodland trust and Postal Heritage. Her photography has been published in the Telegraph, The Guardian, BBC News Website and on the cover of books and magazines in the United States and Canada. Her art is globally exhibited , having shown work in London, Paris, Indonesia, Los Angeles, Florida, Washington, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, Canada, Spain, Germany, Japan, Australia and The Environmental Photographer of the Year Exhibition (2011) amongst many other locations.

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